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When I initially became a mama, I understood that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they really did not have access to the huge selection of positive parenting tools readily available today. Back Talking
There were a few books on our shelf regarding managing power struggles, how to deal with the stubborn child, and just how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My parents do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure what exactly they learned in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of shouting, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to recognize that, while nobody is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Back Talking
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach Back Talking
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I started reading blog posts about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, yelling, extreme punishments and basically every other typically accepted parenting method.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I realize there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everybody to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these ideas result in healthy child development Back Talking
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different viewpoint. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” might appear to help temporarily. But in the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, anger as well as resentment in what was expected to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Given his history and also finding out exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Back Talking
Let me inform you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding significant wrongdoing
• Giving your children whatever they ask for Back Talking
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the fact that collaboration consistently generates far better long-lasting outcomes than strict control.
Moms and dads who adopt this design have learned to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Besides, what happens as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be heard and valued
• Helping kids to establish self-restraint
• Going much deeper than simple outward conformity and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and screaming. That’s exactly how I was raised, and therefore I simply had no understanding about anything different. Back Talking
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to countless mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Get to the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s usually much easier (and a lot more typical in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
We can get a lot further toward solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs similar to you as well as me. And also most times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Back Talking
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet formed. That means they can go from happy one minute to major meltdown the next. So instead of battling a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is always a key feeling beneath it
• The majority of mad children are in fact anxious and/or very sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that have to be met initially. As an example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that huge need first.
• Validate his emotions without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely angry because I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I recognize it’s tough since you really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a big hug and say firmly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands into clenched fists and also growl. The intent is to permit him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everything in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … Back Talking
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we desire to receive from our child, we need to be willing to give. If I am discourteous, controlling and also sarcastic to my teen merely because I “have every right because I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you assume that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or dad, you can set the example as well as show your teen that you value their point of view, as well as you value them as an individual. Back Talking
This doesn’t indicate you need to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we desire our teenager to treat us with even more regard, the primary step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. Back Talking
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or threaten any individual to resolve the dispute. And also yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Back Talking
Because we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to solve disputes, and also even how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat every person around us with respect, and also model the behavior we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers could be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and his 2 adolescent boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has started parenting positively also, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing except a miracle.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Back Talking
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to change your old parenting style. Little by little, you will make improvements. As well as a year or 2 from now, you will not think how much you have actually altered, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I advise anybody that is serious about growing to be an extra positive mama or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Back Talking
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll assist you in beginning parenting positive, and also learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the totally free class by clicking the button below. Back Talking
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.