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When I first came to be a mama, I knew that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they didn’t have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools readily available today. Best Books On Parenting
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning taking care of power struggles, exactly how to control the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m uncertain just what they learned in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of shouting, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a hard period of time. And our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for what happened. I’ve come to realize that, while nobody is perfect, it is our obligation to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I intended to break the cycle when I came to be a mom.Best Books On Parenting
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach Best Books On Parenting
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began reading articles regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, yelling, extreme punishments as well as pretty much every other traditionally accepted parenting method.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs satisfied. I learned about:
• Handling power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these principles cause healthy child development Best Books On Parenting
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. But he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and also had actually observed firsthand just how being the “mean father” could appear to help for the moment. But long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and resentment in what was intended to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Given his background and learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching and implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? Best Books On Parenting
Let me tell you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking significant misbehavior
• Giving your children every little thing they ask for Best Books On Parenting
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You may hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the reality that cooperation always yields much better long-term outcomes than harsh control.
Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually figured out how to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they don’t … After all, what takes place once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be heard and also valued
• Helping kids to develop self-discipline
• Going deeper than mere outward conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t picture that there were other methods to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also yelling. That’s how I was treated as a child, and I obviously had no framework for anything different. Best Books On Parenting
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Find the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s often easier (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can get a whole lot farther toward solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs much like you and also me. And also most times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. Best Books On Parenting
For example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet developed. That means they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete tantrum the next. Instead of battling a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is always a key emotion under it
• Many angry children are actually frightened and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that need to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on meeting that big need first.
• Empathize with his emotions without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset since I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I recognize it’s difficult due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, and I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a big hug and say firmly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands right into fists and also growl. The goal is to enable him to share his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting works for every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … Best Books On Parenting
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to obtain from our child, we should want to provide first. If I am disrespectful, controlling and sarcastic to my teen simply since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or father, you can set the example as well as communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as an individual. Best Books On Parenting
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. Yet it does mean you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more regard, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Best Books On Parenting
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer care associate on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be considering. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share a personal story …
Just recently, my two girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, as well as she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back as well as returned the stolen sticker, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any person to solve the dispute. As well as yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Best Books On Parenting
Since we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to solve conflict, and also even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, and also model the habits we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors may be wondering about my hubby, Antonio, and his two teenage boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
So exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Best Books On Parenting
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be tough to alter your old way of life. But little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you won’t think how much you’ve altered, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody who is serious about growing to be an extra positive mom or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Best Books On Parenting
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her complimentary webinar, Amy shares just how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and find out how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free webinar by clicking the button below. Best Books On Parenting
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.