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When I initially came to be a mama, I knew that I intended to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best they could, yet they really did not have access to the variety of positive parenting tools readily available today. Child Independent
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf about handling power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, and also how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My parents do not understand me.”
I’m not sure what exactly they found out in those books, but I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of shouting, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a tough number of years. And our connection is still strained today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for what happened. I’ve begun to understand that, while nobody is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mommy.Child Independent
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my strategy Child Independent
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began reading material concerning just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, yelling, severe punishments and also basically every other generally accepted parenting strategy.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs fulfilled. I learned more about:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these principles result in healthy child development Child Independent
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage, and had observed firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” could seem to benefit temporarily. In the long run, it was only promoting disrespect, anger as well as resentment in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and also implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Child Independent
Let me inform you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children whatever they ask for Child Independent
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limits
You may see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method acknowledges the reality that collaboration always yields better long-lasting results than strict control.
Moms and dads who adopt this design have actually figured out how to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Building a child’s foundational character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not because they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … Nevertheless, what occurs once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued
• Encouraging kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going deeper than simple external compliance as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were various other ways to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as yelling. That’s how I was parented, and I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Child Independent
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Find the root of the acting out
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s often easier (and also a lot more typical in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal farther towards resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs much like you and also me. As well as often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and language development spectrum. Child Independent
For example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-control) is not yet formed. That indicates they can go from joyful one minute to complete tantrum the next. So rather than battling a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is always a primary emotion under it
• Many upset children are in fact scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that have to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on addressing that large need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset because I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard because you genuinely want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and growl. The intent is to allow him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting works for any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everything in between. So let’s use young adults in our following example … Child Independent
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we wish to obtain from our child, we need to agree to offer before anyone else. If I am rude, manipulative and also sarcastic to my teen just due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to give respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or dad, you can set the standard and show your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you respect them as a person. Child Independent
This doesn’t imply you need to be a pushover. However it does imply you can be kind when faced with conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we desire our teen to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Child Independent
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer service rep on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this one with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share a personal recollection …
Just the other day, my two girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and also she stated she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned as well as returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten any person to solve the conflict. And yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Child Independent
Because we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to resolve disputes, as well as even how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, and also model the behavior we want, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my hubby, Antonio, and also his 2 teen boys from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing except miraculous.
So exactly how can you become a positive parent? Child Independent
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be hard to alter your old parenting style. But little by little, you will make improvements. And a year or 2 from now, you will not believe how much you’ve transformed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend anybody that is serious about growing to be a more positive mother or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Child Independent
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of every age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll aid you in beginning parenting positive, as well as discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. Child Independent
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