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When I first became a mom, I knew that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best they could, yet they really did not have accessibility to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Child Talks Back
There were a few books on our shelf regarding handling power struggles, exactly how to control the stubborn child, and just how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m not sure exactly what they learned in those books, but I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, and also a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult period of time. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve begun to understand that, while nobody is perfect, it is our obligation to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mother.Child Talks Back
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my plan Child Talks Back
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest child was born. I started checking out blog posts regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, shouting, extreme punishments and practically every other commonly accepted parenting strategy.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these concepts result in healthy child development Child Talks Back
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. But he brought a different viewpoint. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually observed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” might appear to help for the moment. In the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, anger and also resentment in what was expected to be a loving parent-child connection.
Considering his background and learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and also applying positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Child Talks Back
Let me tell you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Giving your children whatever they ask for Child Talks Back
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limitations
You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method identifies the truth that collaboration always generates much better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Parents who adopt this design have actually figured out how to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not because they fear retribution if they don’t … Nevertheless, what happens when they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be heard and valued
• Helping kids to grow their self-control
• Going deeper than simple outward conformity and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t visualize that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s just how I was parented, and therefore I just had no framework for anything different. Child Talks Back
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep. It’s frequently easier (as well as extra typical in today’s society) to presume children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can get a whole lot farther toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs similar to you and me. And many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. Child Talks Back
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet developed. That suggests they can go from delighted one moment to complete meltdown the next. Instead of battling a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is typically a main emotion under it
• A lot of angry children are really scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that must be met initially. For example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Concentrate on addressing that large need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s hard because you genuinely want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if needed.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the circumstance even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a huge hug and also say loudly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands into fists and also growl. The intent is to permit him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting benefits every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our following scenario … Child Talks Back
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we wish to get from our child, we should want to offer first. If I am rude, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult merely since I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the example as well as communicate to your teen that you value their opinion, as well as you value them as a person. Child Talks Back
This doesn’t indicate you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Child Talks Back
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer service associate on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just a few days ago, my two young girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and also she said she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and also returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as begun playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or intimidate anybody to resolve the problem. As well as yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You recognize why? Child Talks Back
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to deal with conflict, as well as even how to say sorry. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous relationship. With time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively as well, as well as the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of a miracle.
So exactly how can you come to be a positive parent? Child Talks Back
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to transform your old ways. But gradually, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or two from now, you will not think just how much you’ve altered, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone who is serious about coming to be a much more positive mommy or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Child Talks Back
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can genuinely apply every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the cost-free webinar by clicking the button below. Child Talks Back
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.