Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I first came to be a mommy, I knew that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was raised. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they really did not have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools available today. Children Share
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding handling power struggles, just how to control the stubborn child, as well as how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure just what they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of screaming, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging period of time. And our relationship is still strained today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve come to recognize that, while no one is perfect, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mommy.Children Share
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my solution Children Share
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest child was born. I began reviewing blogs regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, harsh punishments and also practically every other generally accepted parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I realize there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Solving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these concepts lead to healthy child development Children Share
During my learning experience, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually witnessed firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” might appear to help for the moment. In the long run, it was just fostering disrespect, contempt and also resentment in what was intended to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Considering his history as well as finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and applying positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Children Share
Let me inform you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children whatever they ask for Children Share
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the reality that cooperation always produces much better long-term outcomes than harsh control.
Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually learned to promote:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they are afraid of punishment if they don’t … After all, what happens as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going much deeper than simple outward conformity and also concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were various other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s how I was parented, and therefore I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Children Share
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has served as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Identify the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep. It’s typically simpler (and extra typical in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can get a lot farther towards fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs much like you as well as me. And also most times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Children Share
As an example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-discipline) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from joyful one minute to complete meltdown the next. So rather than combating a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is typically a main emotion under it
• Many mad children are in fact anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that have to be met initially. For instance, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Concentrate on meeting that huge need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly angry because I said we could not go to the park today. I know it’s tough due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to safeguard yourself if needed.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a large hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and also growl. The intent is to permit him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting benefits every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our next example … Children Share
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we desire to obtain from our child, we must be eager to offer. If I am discourteous, controlling and sarcastic to my young adult merely due to the fact that I “have every right since I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you believe that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the standard and also show your teenager that you value their point of view, as well as you appreciate them as an individual. Children Share
This doesn’t suggest you have to be a pushover. Yet it does suggest you can be kind despite conflict. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the primary step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Children Share
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer service rep on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just recently, my 2 young girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, as well as she said she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, after that returned and also returned the swiped sticker, said sorry as well as asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and started playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any individual to settle the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You recognize why? Children Share
Because we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, how to settle disputes, and also even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with everyone around us with respect, and model the behavior we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s possible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, as well as his 2 teen sons from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So just how can you come to be a positive parent? Children Share
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to change your old ways. However gradually, you will make improvements. As well as a year or 2 from now, you will not think how much you have actually transformed, in addition to the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest anyone that is serious about coming to be a much more positive mom or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Children Share
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of number of media networks. Her materials have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares just how to help kids of any age to listen WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and also discover how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Children Share
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.