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When I first came to be a mama, I knew that I intended to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best they could, however they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools offered today. Children Talk Back
There were a couple of books on our shelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the stubborn child, as well as just how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I clearly remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure just what they learned in those books, however I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of yelling, and also a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging period of time. And also our connection is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to understand that, while no person is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mommy.Children Talk Back
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Children Talk Back
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first little girl was born. I started checking out blogs concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, shouting, harsh punishments as well as basically every other typically accepted parenting method.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these principles result in healthy child development Children Talk Back
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had observed firsthand how being the “mean dad” could appear to help temporarily. But long-term, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt and bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his history and also learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and implementing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Children Talk Back
Let me tell you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking significant misbehavior
• Giving your children everything they want Children Talk Back
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “real life”
• Having no restrictions
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the truth that collaboration consistently produces far better long-term outcomes than harsh control.
Parents that adopt this design have actually figured out how to foster:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not because they fear retribution if they do not … Nevertheless, what occurs once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be heard and valued
• Helping kids to establish self-discipline
• Going deeper than plain outside conformity and also focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the road of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and yelling. That’s how I was raised, and therefore I simply had no understanding about anything different. Children Talk Back
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to countless mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Identify the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically widely accepted (and also a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can get a lot more towards resolving power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs much like you and me. As well as many times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. Children Talk Back
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-restraint) is not yet developed. That implies they can go from happy one moment to major meltdown the next. So as opposed to combating a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is always a main feeling under it
• Most mad children are in fact anxious and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that should be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on meeting that huge need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly mad due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s tough due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, so I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if required.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a large hug and also say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into fists and growl. The point is to allow him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting benefits all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everything in between. So let’s use teens in our next example … Children Talk Back
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we desire to get from our child, we have to be eager to offer. If I am disrespectful, controlling as well as sarcastic to my young adult merely due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or dad, you can set the example and also show your teen that you value their point of view, and also you appreciate them as a person. Children Talk Back
This does not imply you need to be a pushover. Yet it does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our teen to treat us with more respect, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. Children Talk Back
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this question with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just a few days ago, my two girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and also she claimed she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back as well as returned the swiped sticker, apologized and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate anyone to solve the conflict. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Children Talk Back
Since we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to deal with disputes, and also even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the habits we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous marriage. With time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, and the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So just how can you become a positive parent? Children Talk Back
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. Little by little, you will make improvements. And a year or more from now, you will not think how much you’ve transformed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I recommend any individual who is serious about growing to be a much more positive mom or daddy to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Children Talk Back
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-changing for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her cost-free class, Amy shares how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll assist you in beginning parenting positive, and find out how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Children Talk Back
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.