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When I first became a mother, I recognized that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Children That Don’t Listen
There were a few books on our shelf concerning dealing with power struggles, exactly how to control the strong-willed child, and also exactly how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m uncertain just what they discovered in those books, however I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of shouting, and a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging period of time. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to recognize that, while no person is without flaws, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to stop the cycle when I became a mama.Children That Don’t Listen
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Children That Don’t Listen
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first child was born. I began reading blog posts regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, screaming, extreme punishments and also virtually every other commonly accepted parenting strategy.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs met. I discovered:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how every one of these concepts result in healthy child development Children That Don’t Listen
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” may appear to work temporarily. Long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Given his background and also learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and also applying positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Children That Don’t Listen
Let me inform you what it doesn’t imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking significant misbehavior
• Providing your children everything they want Children That Don’t Listen
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You might hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the reality that cooperation consistently yields better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Parents who embrace this design have actually figured out how to promote:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character traits
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they fear retribution if they don’t … Nevertheless, what takes place as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going much deeper than simple external compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s exactly how I was parented, and I just had no framework for anything different. Children That Don’t Listen
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has served as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Discover the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s typically much easier (and extra typical in today’s world) to assume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can progress a whole lot farther toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs just like you and also me. As well as most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Children That Don’t Listen
For example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete tantrum the next. So instead of dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is typically a key feeling below it
• Many upset children are in fact frightened and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that need to be addressed initially. For example, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Concentrate on meeting that large need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I recognize it’s tough since you really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a huge hug and also say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and also growl. The point is to enable him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting benefits all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens as well as everything in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our next example … Children That Don’t Listen
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we intend to obtain from our child, we must want to give before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, manipulative and also sarcastic to my teenager just since I “have every right since I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or dad, you can set the example as well as show your teen that you value their opinion, and you value them as a person. Children That Don’t Listen
This does not indicate you need to be a pushover. But it does suggest you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our young adult to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Children That Don’t Listen
Are you kind to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer service representative on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned as well as returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate anyone to deal with the dispute. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Children That Don’t Listen
Because we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to fix disputes, and even just how to say sorry. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my other half, Antonio, and his 2 adolescent boys from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has begun parenting positively too, and the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So just how can you become a positive parent? Children That Don’t Listen
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be challenging to alter your old way of life. But bit by bit, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or more from now, you won’t believe how much you’ve changed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I recommend any person who is serious about coming to be a much more positive mama or daddy to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Children That Don’t Listen
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents around the world, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and learn how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Children That Don’t Listen
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.