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When I initially became a mother, I recognized that I wished to do things differently than how I was raised. My mother and father did the best they could, however they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools offered today. Dealing With A Defiant Child
There were a couple of books on our shelf about dealing with power struggles, exactly how to control the stubborn child, and how to get your kids to comply. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own parents don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure exactly what they learned in those books, however I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of yelling, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to recognize that, while no person is perfect, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mommy.Dealing With A Defiant Child
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Dealing With A Defiant Child
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first little girl was born. I started reviewing articles concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, yelling, harsh punishments as well as practically every other commonly accepted parenting strategy.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these ideas cause healthy child development Dealing With A Defiant Child
Along the way, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had experienced firsthand how being the “mean father” could seem to help for the moment. Long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was meant to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Given his history as well as finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? Dealing With A Defiant Child
Let me tell you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Disregarding significant misbehavior
• Providing your children everything they ask for Dealing With A Defiant Child
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You might hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique identifies the truth that collaboration consistently produces better long-lasting results than forced control.
Parents that adopt this design have actually learned to cultivate:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character qualities
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not because they are afraid of punishment if they don’t … After all, what happens when they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Assisting kids to establish self-control
• Going deeper than mere exterior conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and yelling. That’s how I was parented, and I just had no framework for anything different. Dealing With A Defiant Child
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Below are a couple of the techniques Amy reveals to encourage you to come to be the mother or dad you have actually always intended to be, as well as encourage your child to reach his or her complete potential.
Find the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly easier (and also a lot more usual in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can progress a whole lot more toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs much like you and also me. As well as frequently their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Dealing With A Defiant Child
For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-restraint) is not yet matured. That suggests they can go from delighted one minute to complete meltdown the next. So rather than combating a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is typically a main feeling underneath it
• Many mad children are really frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that should be met initially. For example, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Concentrate on addressing that huge need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely angry since I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s difficult because you truly really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Focusing more on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a large hug and also say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The objective is to permit him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s use teenagers in our following example … Dealing With A Defiant Child
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we wish to get from our child, we need to agree to provide first. If I am discourteous, controlling as well as sarcastic to my young adult merely since I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to give respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or daddy, you can set the standard and show your teen that you value their point of view, and you value them as an individual. Dealing With A Defiant Child
This does not suggest you need to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our teenager to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Dealing With A Defiant Child
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support representative on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be considering. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just a few days ago, my 2 young girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, as well as she stated she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and also returned the stolen sticker label, apologized and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or threaten anyone to fix the dispute. As well as yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? Dealing With A Defiant Child
Because we have modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to deal with conflict, and also even just how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my husband, Antonio, and also his two teenage sons from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has started parenting positively too, and also the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
Just how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Dealing With A Defiant Child
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to transform your old ways. Yet bit by bit, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you won’t believe just how much you’ve altered, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend any individual that is serious about coming to be an extra positive mommy or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Dealing With A Defiant Child
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media channels. Her products have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares just how to help kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the totally free class by clicking the button shown below. Dealing With A Defiant Child
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