Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I initially became a mommy, I recognized that I wished to do things differently than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools readily available today. Debbie Godfrey
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf about handling power struggles, how to control the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I definitely remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not sure just what they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a tough period of time. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for what happened. I have actually come to realize that, while no person is without fault, it is our duty to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Debbie Godfrey
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Debbie Godfrey
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest child was born. I began reviewing articles concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, screaming, severe punishments and also pretty much every other typically accepted parenting method.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I understand there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to have their needs satisfied. I learned more about:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these concepts result in healthy and balanced child development Debbie Godfrey
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean dad” may appear to benefit temporarily. Yet in the long run, it was just promoting disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his background and also finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Debbie Godfrey
Initially, let me inform you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking major wrongdoing
• Giving your children whatever they want Debbie Godfrey
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique identifies the fact that cooperation consistently produces much better lasting results than strict control.
Parents who adopt this concept have actually figured out how to cultivate:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they don’t … After all, what occurs when they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is over?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be heard and also valued
• Helping kids to establish self-restraint
• Going much deeper than mere external conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t visualize that there were various other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s just how I was raised, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Debbie Godfrey
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Identify the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly easier (and also extra usual in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
But we can get a whole lot more towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs just like you and also me. And many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Debbie Godfrey
For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-restraint) is not yet matured. That implies they can go from cloud nine one moment to major tantrum the next. Rather than combating a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is always a main emotion under it
• Many mad children are actually scared and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that have to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Concentrate on meeting that huge need first.
• Acknowledge his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset due to the fact that I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a huge hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and growl. The intent is to permit him to share his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting works for all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everyone in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our next example … Debbie Godfrey
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we intend to obtain from our child, we should agree to provide before anyone else. If I am discourteous, controlling and sarcastic to my teenager simply since I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the standard as well as communicate to your teenager that you value their opinion, and also you appreciate them as a person. Debbie Godfrey
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. But it does mean you can be kind despite conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more regard, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. Debbie Godfrey
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer care representative on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share an individual recollection …
Just recently, my 2 young girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, as well as she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, then returned and returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate any person to fix the problem. And also yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Debbie Godfrey
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to settle disputes, as well as even how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, and also model the actions we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors may be curious about my spouse, Antonio, as well as his two teen boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively as well, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.
So just how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Debbie Godfrey
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. However bit by bit, you will make improvements. And a year or more from now, you will not think just how much you have actually changed, together with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend anybody who is serious about growing to be a more positive mom or daddy to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Debbie Godfrey
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her cost-free class, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of any age to listen WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, as well as find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Debbie Godfrey
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.