Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I initially came to be a mommy, I knew that I wished to do things differently than how I was raised. My mother and father did the very best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the plethora of positive parenting tools available today. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to control the strong-willed child, as well as exactly how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I clearly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m unsure just what they found out in those books, but I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve begun to understand that, while no one is perfect, it is our duty to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mommy.Dr Laura Dinino Markham
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my answer Dr Laura Dinino Markham
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest little girl was born. I began checking out material concerning just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, screaming, harsh punishments and also pretty much every other generally approved parenting method.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs satisfied. I learned more about:
• Solving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development Dr Laura Dinino Markham
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different viewpoint. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and also had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean father” may seem to benefit temporarily. In the long run, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and also resentment in what was intended to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his background and also finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Dr Laura Dinino Markham
Let me tell you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking significant misbehavior
• Offering your children whatever they want Dr Laura Dinino Markham
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”
• Having no limits
You may see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the fact that collaboration always produces far better lasting results than strict control.
Parents who embrace this concept have actually learned to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what happens as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-discipline
• Going deeper than plain outward conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I couldn’t imagine that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also yelling. That’s just how I was raised, and I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Discover the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s frequently much easier (as well as a lot more usual in today’s society) to think children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
However we can get a great deal further towards solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs just like you as well as me. And also most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That indicates they can go from joyful one moment to major tantrum the next. So instead of battling a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a key emotion under it
• Most mad children are really scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that should be addressed first. As an example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that big need first.
• Acknowledge his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really mad due to the fact that I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I know it’s difficult due to the fact that you really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to enable him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our next example … Dr Laura Dinino Markham
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to get from our child, we should be willing to give before anyone else. If I am discourteous, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult just since I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or father, you can set the example and also communicate to your teenager that you value their opinion, as well as you appreciate them as an individual. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
This doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind despite conflict. It will certainly accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make certain that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer care rep on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share an individual recollection …
Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry as well as asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or intimidate any person to fix the dispute. And also yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Dr Laura Dinino Markham
Because we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, how to deal with conflict, as well as even how to say sorry. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everybody around us with respect, and also model the habits we want, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 adolescent sons from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, and also the repair of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
How can you become a positive parent? Dr Laura Dinino Markham
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be difficult to alter your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. As well as a year or two from now, you won’t believe just how much you’ve altered, together with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I advise anybody who is serious about becoming a much more positive mother or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can absolutely apply every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of any age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button shown below. Dr Laura Dinino Markham
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.