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When I initially came to be a mom, I knew that I wanted to do things differently than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, yet they didn’t have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools available today. Dr Laura Markham Books
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding managing power struggles, how to control the strong-willed child, and also how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure exactly what they learned in those books, but I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I have actually come to understand that, while no one is perfect, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to break the cycle when I came to be a mom.Dr Laura Markham Books
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Dr Laura Markham Books
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first little girl was born. I started reviewing material regarding just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, screaming, harsh punishments and also basically every other typically approved parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to have their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Managing power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these ideas lead to healthy child development Dr Laura Markham Books
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had actually observed firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” could appear to benefit temporarily. But long-term, it was just fostering disrespect, contempt and resentment in what was expected to be a caring parent-child relationship.
Considering his background and discovering exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Dr Laura Markham Books
Let me inform you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring major misbehavior
• Offering your children everything they ask for Dr Laura Markham Books
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the truth that collaboration consistently yields better long-lasting results than forced control.
Moms and dads who adopt this concept have learned to promote:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they are afraid of punishment if they do not … After all, what occurs once they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued
• Helping kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going much deeper than simple exterior conformity as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were various other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s how I was treated as a child, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. Dr Laura Markham Books
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Identify the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s commonly widely accepted (and also more typical in today’s society) to presume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
We can progress a whole lot more toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs similar to you as well as me. And often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development spectrum. Dr Laura Markham Books
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet developed. That means they can go from happy one moment to major meltdown the next. Instead of dealing with a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that suggests there is typically a main emotion below it
• Most mad children are really anxious and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that need to be addressed initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that big need first.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s difficult since you genuinely really want to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a large hug and say loudly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The point is to enable him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … Dr Laura Markham Books
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we want to get from our child, we need to be willing to offer before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, controlling and also sarcastic to my teenager merely due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you think that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or daddy, you can set the example and show your teen that you value their viewpoint, and also you value them as a person. Dr Laura Markham Books
This does not imply you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our teenager to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Dr Laura Markham Books
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer service representative on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be considering. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this question with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share an individual story …
Just recently, my 2 young girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she said she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and begun playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any individual to settle the dispute. And yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You recognize why? Dr Laura Markham Books
Due to the fact that we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to fix disputes, and even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat everyone around us with respect, and also model the behavior we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be curious about my partner, Antonio, and also his two teen boys from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, and the repair of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Dr Laura Markham Books
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be hard to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will make improvements. As well as a year or two from now, you won’t believe just how much you have actually altered, in addition to the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I advise anybody that is serious about becoming a much more positive mother or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Dr Laura Markham Books
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, as well as find out how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. Dr Laura Markham Books
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