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When I initially came to be a mother, I understood that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best they could, however they really did not have accessibility to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Dr Laura Markham Emails
There were a few books on our bookshelf regarding handling power struggles, just how to control the strong-willed child, as well as just how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m uncertain what exactly they found out in those books, however I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a tough number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to understand that, while nobody is without flaws, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I came to be a mother.Dr Laura Markham Emails
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Dr Laura Markham Emails
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest child was born. I began reading blogs regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, screaming, severe punishments and virtually every other commonly approved parenting strategy.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I realize there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to get their needs met. I learned about:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these ideas lead to healthy and balanced child development Dr Laura Markham Emails
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. However he brought a different point of view. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean dad” could seem to work temporarily. In the long run, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child connection.
Given his background and also learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyway? Dr Laura Markham Emails
Let me tell you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring major misbehavior
• Providing your children everything they ask for Dr Laura Markham Emails
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You may hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the truth that collaboration always yields far better lasting results than harsh control.
Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually figured out how to cultivate:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they are afraid of retribution if they do not … After all, what takes place once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-control
• Going much deeper than mere external conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as shouting. That’s how I was treated as a child, and I just had no framework for anything different. Dr Laura Markham Emails
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has acted as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Discover the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s typically simpler (as well as more common in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
But we can get a great deal more toward solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs much like you as well as me. And often times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Dr Laura Markham Emails
A 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That means they can go from cloud nine one moment to complete tantrum the next. So rather than battling a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is always a key feeling under it
• A lot of mad children are in fact frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that should be addressed first. For instance, if a child is starving or tired, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Concentrate on meeting that huge need initially.
• Validate his feelings without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if required.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into fists and growl. The goal is to permit him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting helps all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everything in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our next scenario … Dr Laura Markham Emails
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we wish to get from our child, we need to be willing to offer before anyone else. If I am discourteous, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager just because I “have every right because I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or father, you can set the example as well as show your young adult that you value their viewpoint, as well as you respect them as an individual. Dr Laura Markham Emails
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. It does imply you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with more respect, the very first step is to make certain that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Dr Laura Markham Emails
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support rep on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this question with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share a personal story …
Just a few days ago, my two young girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she said she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and returned the swiped sticker label, apologized and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate anyone to resolve the conflict. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You recognize why? Dr Laura Markham Emails
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, just how to fix conflict, and also even how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with everyone around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, and his two adolescent sons from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively as well, and also the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
So just how can you come to be a positive parent? Dr Laura Markham Emails
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you will not believe how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone who is serious about becoming a more positive mommy or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Dr Laura Markham Emails
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of number of media channels. Her products have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can absolutely apply every day.
In her cost-free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Dr Laura Markham Emails
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