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When I first became a mother, I understood that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best job they could, however they really did not have access to the huge selection of positive parenting tools available today. Family House Rules List
There were a few books on our shelf concerning dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, as well as just how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I definitely remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of shouting, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a difficult number of years. And our connection is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for what happened. I’ve come to realize that, while nobody is perfect, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Family House Rules List
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my answer Family House Rules List
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest daughter was born. I started reading blog posts concerning how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, yelling, harsh punishments as well as practically every other traditionally accepted parenting method.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs met. I learned about:
• Managing power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how every one of these principles result in healthy child development Family House Rules List
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually seen firsthand just how being the “mean dad” might seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and bitterness in what was intended to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his background as well as finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and also implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Family House Rules List
Initially, let me inform you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant misbehavior
• Giving your children whatever they ask for Family House Rules List
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You may see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method identifies the reality that collaboration consistently yields better lasting outcomes than forced control.
Parents that adopt this design have actually learned to promote:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they do not … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be heard and valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-discipline
• Going much deeper than mere outward conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the road of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as yelling. That’s just how I was treated as a child, and therefore I obviously had no framework for anything different. Family House Rules List
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s usually much easier (as well as more typical in today’s world) to presume children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can get a lot farther toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs just like you as well as me. And also often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Family House Rules List
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from happy one moment to complete tantrum the next. Instead of fighting a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-restraint to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is always a primary feeling underneath it
• Most mad children are in fact frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that have to be met first. As an example, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Concentrate on meeting that big need initially.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly mad due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I recognize it’s tough due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he MAY DO to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a big hug and say loudly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and also growl. The intent is to enable him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting benefits any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s use teens in our next scenario … Family House Rules List
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to receive from our child, we have to want to give before anyone else. If I am discourteous, controlling and sarcastic to my teenager simply due to the fact that I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or father, you can set the example and also communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, as well as you respect them as an individual. Family House Rules List
This does not imply you have to be a pushover. It does imply you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Family House Rules List
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just recently, my two girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, as well as she claimed she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate anyone to fix the problem. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Family House Rules List
Since we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, just how to solve conflict, and also even how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, and model the actions we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, and the repair of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
Exactly how can you become a positive parent? Family House Rules List
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be hard to change your old ways. Yet little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you will not believe just how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest any individual that is serious about growing to be a much more positive mama or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Family House Rules List
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, as well as find out how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Family House Rules List
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.