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When I first became a mommy, I understood that I intended to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the very best they could, but they really did not have accessibility to the plethora of positive parenting tools readily available today. Fighting Siblings
There were a couple of books on our shelf about managing power struggles, how to deal with the stubborn child, and exactly how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they discovered in those books, however I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of shouting, and a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to understand that, while no person is without flaws, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mama.Fighting Siblings
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Fighting Siblings
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first daughter was born. I started reviewing material concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, harsh punishments and also practically every other commonly accepted parenting method.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs satisfied. I found out about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these concepts result in healthy child development Fighting Siblings
Along the way, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different point of view. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and also had observed firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” might seem to benefit for the moment. In the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, anger and resentment in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching as well as implementing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Fighting Siblings
Let me inform you what it doesn’t imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children whatever they want Fighting Siblings
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method identifies the fact that collaboration consistently generates much better long-lasting outcomes than strict control.
Parents who embrace this concept have figured out how to promote:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what takes place when they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to grow their self-discipline
• Going much deeper than simple exterior compliance and also focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the path of gentle parenting, I couldn’t imagine that there were other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and shouting. That’s exactly how I was parented, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. Fighting Siblings
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Identify the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s usually widely accepted (and a lot more typical in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
Yet we can get a great deal more toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs just like you as well as me. As well as frequently their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Fighting Siblings
For example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet formed. That implies they can go from happy one minute to complete meltdown the next. Rather than combating a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a primary feeling below it
• The majority of upset children are actually anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that should be addressed initially. For example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Concentrate on addressing that large need first.
• Empathize with his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly mad since I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I understand it’s tough because you really wish to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The objective is to allow him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everything in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our following example … Fighting Siblings
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we want to receive from our child, we must be prepared to give. If I am discourteous, manipulative and sarcastic to my teen merely because I “have every right because I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you think that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the standard and also show your teen that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as a person. Fighting Siblings
This does not indicate you need to be a pushover. Yet it does suggest you can be kind when faced with conflict. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the primary step is to see to it that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. Fighting Siblings
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer service rep on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just recently, my two girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, as well as she said she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that came back and also returned the swiped sticker, apologized as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or intimidate any person to settle the conflict. And also yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You know why? Fighting Siblings
Due to the fact that we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to settle disputes, and even just how to say sorry. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat every person around us with respect, and model the behavior we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors may be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 adolescent sons from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, and also the restoration of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
Just how can you become a positive parent? Fighting Siblings
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever before done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to change your old way of life. However gradually, you will make improvements. And a year or more from now, you will not believe how much you’ve altered, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest any person that is serious about coming to be an extra positive mommy or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Fighting Siblings
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Fighting Siblings
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.