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When I initially came to be a mother, I knew that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mother and father did the very best they could, yet they didn’t have access to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf concerning managing power struggles, how to discipline the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a difficult period of time. And our connection is still strained today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to understand that, while nobody is perfect, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to stop the cycle when I became a mama.Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I began reviewing blog posts about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, yelling, severe punishments and also practically every other generally approved parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable every person to get their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these concepts bring about healthy and balanced child development Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
In the process, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique point of view. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had actually experienced firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” may seem to work for the moment. But in the long run, it was just fostering disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his background and also finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching and employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
Initially, let me inform you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Disregarding major wrongdoing
• Providing your children every little thing they ask for Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the reality that cooperation consistently produces better lasting outcomes than forced control.
Parents that embrace this concept have actually learned to foster:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Assisting children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be heard and valued
• Encouraging kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going deeper than simple outside compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s exactly how I was raised, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has functioned as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Identify the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep. It’s usually simpler (and more common in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
However we can progress a lot more towards fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs just like you as well as me. And often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
A 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet formed. That indicates they can go from joyful one minute to major tantrum the next. Instead of battling a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is always a key emotion beneath it
• Most upset children are in fact scared and/or very sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that need to be addressed first. As an example, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to help. Concentrate on meeting that big need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re sincerely mad because I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I recognize it’s difficult due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, so I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if needed.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and also growl. The goal is to enable him to share his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our following scenario … Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to obtain from our child, we need to want to offer before anyone else. If I am rude, controlling and sarcastic to my young adult merely due to the fact that I “have every right because I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or father, you can set the example and also show your teen that you value their point of view, and also you appreciate them as an individual. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
This doesn’t suggest you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our young adult to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to see to it that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
Are you kind to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer support rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be considering. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this one with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just recently, my 2 daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old just how she felt, as well as she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten any person to fix the conflict. And also yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to fix disputes, as well as even how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers may be curious about my hubby, Antonio, as well as his two teenage sons from a previous relationship. In time, Antonio has begun parenting positively too, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to alter your old way of life. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you won’t think just how much you’ve transformed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anyone who is serious about growing to be a much more positive mother or daddy to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have been life-changing for greater than 75,000 parents around the world, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and discover how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the complimentary class by clicking the button shown below. Fighting With Husband Over Parenting
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.