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When I first became a mother, I understood that I wished to do things in a different way than how I was raised. My mother and father did the very best they could, however they really did not have access to the myriad of positive parenting tools offered today. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
There were a few books on our bookshelf concerning dealing with power struggles, just how to deal with the strong-willed child, as well as just how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own parents don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure what exactly they discovered in those books, however I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of yelling, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a tough number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve come to understand that, while nobody is without fault, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mother.How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my answer How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest daughter was born. I started reading blog posts regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and virtually every other generally approved parenting strategy.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs satisfied. I learned about:
• Resolving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how every one of these ideas bring about healthy and balanced child development How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. However he brought a different perspective. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually observed firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” could appear to benefit temporarily. In the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was expected to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and finding out exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying as well as implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
Let me tell you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children everything they ask for How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You may hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the truth that collaboration consistently generates much better lasting outcomes than forced control.
Parents who embrace this design have figured out how to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … After all, what takes place as soon as they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to establish self-control
• Going much deeper than simple outward compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as shouting. That’s how I was parented, and I simply had no understanding about anything different. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has acted as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Get to the root of the acting out
I told you this is deep. It’s usually simpler (and also a lot more common in today’s world) to presume children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a whole lot farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs much like you and also me. As well as many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain as well as language development spectrum. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet developed. That suggests they can go from happy one minute to major meltdown the next. Rather than combating a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that indicates there is typically a primary feeling beneath it
• The majority of mad children are really anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that need to be met first. For instance, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that big need initially.
• Acknowledge his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if needed.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a large hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands right into clenched fists and also growl. The point is to enable him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting helps every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everything in between. So let’s use teenagers in our following scenario … How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to get from our child, we need to be willing to offer. If I am disrespectful, manipulative and also sarcastic to my young adult simply because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the standard and show your young adult that you value their point of view, and you appreciate them as a person. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
This doesn’t imply you have to be a pushover. However it does indicate you can be kind despite problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our young adult to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer service rep on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be considering. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share an individual recollection …
Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she felt, and also she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back and also returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as begun playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or threaten anybody to deal with the conflict. And also yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You recognize why? How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
Because we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, how to solve conflict, as well as even just how to say sorry. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, and model the actions we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers could be wondering about my other half, Antonio, as well as his two teenage boys from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, and also the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be hard to change your old parenting style. But little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you will not believe how much you have actually altered, together with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I advise anyone who is serious about growing to be a much more positive mom or daddy to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares just how to get kids of any age to listen WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll assist you in beginning parenting positive, as well as discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. How To Discipline An Oppositional Defiant Child
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