Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I initially came to be a mommy, I recognized that I wished to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best they could, yet they really did not have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools offered today. Independent Kid
There were a couple of books on our shelf about managing power struggles, just how to discipline the stubborn child, and how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I clearly recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they learned in those books, yet I experienced a great deal of spanking, a lot of shouting, and also a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a tough period of time. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve begun to recognize that, while no person is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to break the cycle when I came to be a mother.Independent Kid
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Independent Kid
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest little girl was born. I started reading articles concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, screaming, extreme punishments and basically every other commonly accepted parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I understand there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs met. I learned about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these principles bring about healthy child development Independent Kid
Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually experienced firsthand just how being the “mean father” may seem to benefit for the moment. Yet in the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt and resentment in what was intended to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his history and also learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and applying positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Independent Kid
Let me inform you what it doesn’t indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children every little thing they ask for Independent Kid
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You may see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the fact that cooperation consistently yields much better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Moms and dads who embrace this design have actually learned to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Building a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear retribution if they don’t … Besides, what happens as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is removed?
• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be heard and also valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-control
• Going much deeper than mere exterior compliance as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t envision that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also yelling. That’s how I was raised, and I just had no framework for anything different. Independent Kid
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually worked as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Identify the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s often widely accepted (as well as extra usual in today’s society) to think children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
But we can get a whole lot further toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs much like you and me. And often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re at on the brain and language development spectrum. Independent Kid
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from happy one minute to complete meltdown the next. Rather than combating a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is always a primary feeling beneath it
• A lot of mad children are in fact frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that have to be addressed first. For instance, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Focus on addressing that huge need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re truly angry due to the fact that I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I will not allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and also growl. The goal is to permit him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting works for any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s use teenagers in our next scenario … Independent Kid
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to get from our child, we must be willing to provide. If I am disrespectful, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager just due to the fact that I “have every right since I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or dad, you can set the standard as well as communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, as well as you appreciate them as a person. Independent Kid
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Independent Kid
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support associate on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this question with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just the other day, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that returned and also returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate any individual to fix the dispute. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? Independent Kid
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, just how to settle disputes, and even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everyone around us with respect, and model the habits we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s possible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 adolescent sons from a previous relationship. In time, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, and also the repair of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
Exactly how can you become a positive parent? Independent Kid
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to change your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you won’t believe just how much you have actually altered, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I advise any person that is serious about growing to be a much more positive mom or daddy to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Independent Kid
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media networks. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll aid you in beginning parenting positive, as well as find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the cost-free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Independent Kid
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.