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When I first came to be a mama, I knew that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mother and father did the very best they could, however they didn’t have access to the myriad of positive parenting tools available today. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
There were a few books on our bookshelf regarding handling power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, and how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My parents do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to understand that, while no person is without flaws, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to break the cycle when I became a mama.Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I started checking out material regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, yelling, extreme punishments and also practically every other generally approved parenting method.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everybody to have their needs satisfied. I learned more about:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these principles bring about healthy and balanced child development Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean father” might seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and also resentment in what was meant to be a caring parent-child connection.
Considering his history and discovering exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and also implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyway? Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
Let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Overlooking major wrongdoing
• Giving your children everything they ask for Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You may see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach acknowledges the reality that cooperation consistently generates better long-term results than forced control.
Parents that adopt this concept have learned to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear punishment if they do not … Besides, what occurs when they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to as well as valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-restraint
• Going much deeper than mere exterior compliance and also focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were various other ways to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as yelling. That’s exactly how I was raised, and therefore I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Find the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s often widely accepted (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can progress a whole lot more towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs similar to you and also me. And also often times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
As an example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That indicates they can go from delighted one moment to complete meltdown the next. So instead of battling a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is typically a main emotion beneath it
• Many mad children are actually scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that must be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is starving or tired, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on addressing that big need first.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset because I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I recognize it’s tough since you really wish to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a huge hug and say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and also growl. The intent is to allow him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everything in between. So let’s talk about teens in our following example … Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to obtain from our child, we must want to provide before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager just since I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or daddy, you can set the standard and communicate to your teenager that you value their opinion, and you value them as an individual. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we want our teen to treat us with more regard, the very first step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer service associate on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be considering. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and also she said she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and returned the stolen sticker, apologized as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate any individual to resolve the dispute. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
Due to the fact that we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, just how to fix conflict, and even how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat everybody around us with respect, and model the actions we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my hubby, Antonio, and his two teen boys from a previous relationship. With time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing short of a miracle.
So exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. But bit by bit, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you won’t think how much you have actually changed, in addition to the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I advise anybody who is serious about growing to be an extra positive mother or daddy to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll aid you in beginning parenting positive, and also learn how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the totally free class by clicking the button below. Is It Normal For A 4 Year Old To Be Defiant
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