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When I first came to be a mom, I knew that I intended to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the very best they could, but they didn’t have access to the myriad of positive parenting tools offered today. Kids Messy Rooms
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding handling power struggles, exactly how to deal with the stubborn child, and how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they found out in those books, however I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, as well as a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for what happened. I’ve come to realize that, while no person is perfect, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to stop the cycle when I came to be a mom.Kids Messy Rooms
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach Kids Messy Rooms
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my first child was born. I started checking out blog posts about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, harsh punishments and practically every other typically approved parenting strategy.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Resolving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development Kids Messy Rooms
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought a different perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean father” might appear to work temporarily. But long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, anger and resentment in what was intended to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and also finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Kids Messy Rooms
First, let me tell you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring major wrongdoing
• Giving your children every little thing they want Kids Messy Rooms
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You may hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method acknowledges the reality that collaboration consistently yields better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Moms and dads that adopt this concept have actually figured out how to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what occurs once they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-discipline
• Going much deeper than simple exterior compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t envision that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also yelling. That’s how I was raised, and therefore I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Kids Messy Rooms
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to countless moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Get to the root of the misbehavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s typically much easier (as well as extra typical in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal further toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs much like you as well as me. And also many times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Kids Messy Rooms
A 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet formed. That implies they can go from delighted one minute to major meltdown the next. Instead of combating a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-restraint to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a main emotion below it
• The majority of angry children are really scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that should be met initially. For instance, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on addressing that big need first.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really mad since I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s tough since you really really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if required.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and say “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into clenched fists and also growl. The objective is to allow him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting benefits all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everyone in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our next example … Kids Messy Rooms
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to receive from our child, we have to agree to offer before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teenager simply since I “have every right since I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is much easier to give respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or dad, you can set the example and also communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and you respect them as a person. Kids Messy Rooms
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. Kids Messy Rooms
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer service rep on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this question with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just the other day, my two girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and also she said she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that came back and returned the swiped sticker, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate any individual to resolve the conflict. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Kids Messy Rooms
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to settle disputes, as well as even exactly how to say sorry. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with everyone around us with respect, and model the habits we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, and his two teen sons from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has started parenting positively as well, and also the repair of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
How can you come to be a positive parent? Kids Messy Rooms
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be hard to transform your old way of life. But little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you will not think just how much you have actually altered, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone who is serious about coming to be a much more positive mom or dad to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Kids Messy Rooms
You have actually most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll assist you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the cost-free class by clicking the button shown below. Kids Messy Rooms
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.