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When I first came to be a mother, I knew that I wished to do things differently than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best job they could, but they really did not have access to the huge selection of positive parenting tools offered today. Kids That Don’t Listen
There were a few books on our shelf regarding handling power struggles, exactly how to deal with the strong-willed child, and exactly how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not sure what exactly they learned in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of yelling, and a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to realize that, while no person is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I intended to break the cycle when I became a mom.Kids That Don’t Listen
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my solution Kids That Don’t Listen
My own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest little girl was born. I began reviewing blogs regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, yelling, extreme punishments as well as basically every other typically accepted parenting strategy.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these ideas cause healthy child development Kids That Don’t Listen
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different point of view. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually experienced firsthand how being the “mean dad” could appear to help temporarily. In the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child connection.
Given his background and finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and implementing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyway? Kids That Don’t Listen
Initially, let me inform you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking major misbehavior
• Providing your children every little thing they want Kids That Don’t Listen
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”
• Having no restrictions
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method acknowledges the fact that cooperation consistently produces far better long-term results than strict control.
Parents that adopt this design have figured out how to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not because they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-discipline
• Going much deeper than mere outward conformity and concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as yelling. That’s how I was raised, and therefore I simply had no understanding about anything different. Kids That Don’t Listen
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to countless mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Get to the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s often much easier (and a lot more common in today’s world) to presume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can get a whole lot farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs much like you and me. And also many times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. Kids That Don’t Listen
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that allows self-discipline) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from happy one minute to major tantrum the next. Rather than fighting a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is typically a key emotion underneath it
• Most angry children are actually frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that have to be addressed first. For instance, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Concentrate on meeting that huge need first.
• Acknowledge his emotions without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really angry since I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s tough because you really really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Focusing more on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into fists and growl. The intent is to permit him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s use young adults in our next example … Kids That Don’t Listen
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to get from our child, we have to be prepared to give. If I am rude, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult merely since I “have every right because I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or father, you can set the standard as well as communicate to your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as an individual. Kids That Don’t Listen
This does not indicate you need to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we desire our teen to treat us with more respect, the very first step is to make certain that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Kids That Don’t Listen
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer care rep on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be considering. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just recently, my two daughters were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and also she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and also returned the stolen sticker label, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also started playing again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten any person to solve the dispute. And also yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You recognize why? Kids That Don’t Listen
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to deal with conflict, as well as even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with everybody around us with respect, and model the actions we desire, you would be amazed at what’s possible.
Some visitors might be curious about my hubby, Antonio, as well as his two teenage sons from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has actually started parenting positively as well, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing except miraculous.
Just how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Kids That Don’t Listen
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be challenging to change your old parenting style. But gradually, you will make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you won’t think how much you have actually altered, in addition to the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody that is serious about becoming an extra positive mommy or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Kids That Don’t Listen
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her free webinar, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, as well as discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Kids That Don’t Listen
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.