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When I initially came to be a mother, I recognized that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best they could, however they didn’t have access to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. Laura Markham Attorney
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding managing power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, and how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure what exactly they learned in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of screaming, and a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I have truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to realize that, while no one is without fault, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mother.Laura Markham Attorney
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my solution Laura Markham Attorney
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest daughter was born. I began reading blogs concerning just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, yelling, severe punishments as well as pretty much every other traditionally accepted parenting strategy.
I began to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I realize there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable every person to get their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Solving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these concepts result in healthy child development Laura Markham Attorney
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. But he brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had actually witnessed firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” might appear to benefit for the moment. Long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger and also bitterness in what was intended to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining as well as applying positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? Laura Markham Attorney
Initially, let me inform you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking significant misbehavior
• Giving your children every little thing they want Laura Markham Attorney
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the fact that cooperation consistently yields better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Parents that embrace this design have actually learned to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they are afraid of punishment if they don’t … Nevertheless, what happens as soon as they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be heard and also valued
• Helping kids to develop self-control
• Going deeper than simple external compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and yelling. That’s exactly how I was parented, and I just had no understanding about anything different. Laura Markham Attorney
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line training course.
Discover the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s typically much easier (and also a lot more common in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
However we can progress a whole lot farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs just like you and me. And often times their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Laura Markham Attorney
A 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that makes it possible for self-discipline) is not yet formed. That means they can go from joyful one minute to complete tantrum the next. So instead of fighting a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is always a primary feeling underneath it
• Most upset children are really anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that need to be addressed first. For example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Concentrate on meeting that large need first.
• Empathize with his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset because I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s tough due to the fact that you genuinely really want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to safeguard yourself if required.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and also say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and growl. The objective is to permit him to share his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s think about teenagers in our next example … Laura Markham Attorney
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to obtain from our child, we should be prepared to give. If I am discourteous, manipulative and sarcastic to my teen merely since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you assume that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or father, you can set the example and also show your teen that you value their viewpoint, and you respect them as an individual. Laura Markham Attorney
This does not imply you have to be a pushover. But it does mean you can be kind when faced with problems. It will accomplish more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Laura Markham Attorney
Are you kind to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer service rep on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you have to be considering. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share a personal recollection …
Just a few days ago, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the swiped sticker, said sorry as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and begun playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or threaten anyone to solve the conflict. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? Laura Markham Attorney
Because we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to solve disputes, and also even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the habits we want, you would certainly be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my partner, Antonio, and his 2 teen sons from a previous relationship. In time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, and the repair of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
Just how can you become a positive parent? Laura Markham Attorney
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will make improvements. And a year or more from now, you won’t think how much you’ve changed, along with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody who is serious about growing to be a much more positive mama or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Laura Markham Attorney
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free class by clicking the button below. Laura Markham Attorney
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