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When I initially came to be a mother, I knew that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best they could, however they really did not have access to the wide variety of positive parenting tools available today. Laura Markham Books
There were a couple of books on our shelf about managing power struggles, just how to discipline the strong-willed child, and exactly how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I clearly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure what exactly they discovered in those books, but I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, as well as a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a challenging period of time. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to understand that, while no one is perfect, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mommy.Laura Markham Books
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Laura Markham Books
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest little girl was born. I started reviewing blogs regarding just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed with spanking, yelling, extreme punishments and also virtually every other commonly accepted parenting technique.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I realize there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Handling power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these concepts bring about healthy and balanced child development Laura Markham Books
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought a different point of view. He had two teenage boys from a previous marriage, and had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” could seem to work temporarily. In the long run, it was only breeding disrespect, contempt and also resentment in what was expected to be a loving parent-child connection.
Given his history and finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching and applying positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? Laura Markham Books
Let me tell you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant misbehavior
• Offering your children everything they ask for Laura Markham Books
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method acknowledges the fact that collaboration always generates much better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Moms and dads that adopt this design have actually learned to cultivate:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Building a child’s fundamental character and morals
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of punishment if they don’t … Besides, what takes place when they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be heard and valued
• Helping kids to grow their self-control
• Going much deeper than simple exterior conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the road of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were various other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and yelling. That’s just how I was treated as a child, and I simply had no framework for anything different. Laura Markham Books
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Find the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly widely accepted (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal farther towards resolving power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs just like you as well as me. As well as frequently their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Laura Markham Books
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-discipline) is not yet matured. That suggests they can go from happy one moment to major tantrum the next. Rather than dealing with a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is always a main feeling underneath it
• A lot of upset children are really scared and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that should be addressed initially. As an example, if a child is starving or tired, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on addressing that large need initially.
• Empathize with his emotions without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I recognize it’s difficult due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, and also I will not allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and also say loudly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into fists and growl. The goal is to enable him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting helps every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everything in between. So let’s talk about teens in our next example … Laura Markham Books
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we desire to receive from our child, we must be prepared to offer. If I am rude, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my young adult simply because I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you believe that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to give respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or father, you can set the standard as well as communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, and you respect them as a person. Laura Markham Books
This does not indicate you need to be a pushover. But it does suggest you can be kind despite disputes. It will accomplish a lot more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we desire our young adult to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Laura Markham Books
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer support associate on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just a few days ago, my two daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old just how she felt, and she claimed she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and returned the stolen sticker, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as begun playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate any individual to resolve the dispute. As well as yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? Laura Markham Books
Since we have modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to solve conflict, and also even just how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the habits we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my husband, Antonio, as well as his two adolescent boys from a previous marriage. With time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So just how can you come to be a positive parent? Laura Markham Books
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be challenging to change your old parenting style. Yet bit by bit, you will make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you will not think just how much you’ve transformed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody who is serious about growing to be a much more positive mom or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Laura Markham Books
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media channels. Her products have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.
In her cost-free webinar, Amy shares how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the cost-free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Laura Markham Books
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