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When I initially came to be a mom, I recognized that I wished to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the very best they could, but they really did not have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools readily available today. Laura Markham Carturesti
There were a couple of books on our shelf about taking care of power struggles, exactly how to discipline the stubborn child, and also how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I clearly recall thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m uncertain just what they discovered in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and also a lot of just plain blowing up.
It was a hard period of time. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to recognize that, while no person is without flaws, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wished to stop the cycle when I became a mother.Laura Markham Carturesti
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Laura Markham Carturesti
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began checking out articles about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and practically every other generally approved parenting method.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to have their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Managing power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these principles bring about healthy child development Laura Markham Carturesti
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had experienced firsthand just how being the “mean father” might seem to benefit temporarily. But in the long run, it was only breeding disrespect, contempt as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child connection.
Considering his background and discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and applying positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Laura Markham Carturesti
Let me tell you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding major misbehavior
• Giving your children whatever they ask for Laura Markham Carturesti
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You may see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the reality that collaboration consistently generates better long-term results than strict control.
Parents that adopt this design have figured out how to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of retribution if they do not … Nevertheless, what happens as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to establish self-control
• Going deeper than mere external compliance as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and screaming. That’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and I obviously had no framework for anything different. Laura Markham Carturesti
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to countless mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Discover the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically simpler (and extra usual in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
But we can get a great deal farther towards fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs just like you and also me. And also many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Laura Markham Carturesti
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet matured. That indicates they can go from delighted one minute to major meltdown the next. Instead of battling a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is typically a main emotion below it
• Most mad children are in fact scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that need to be met first. As an example, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on addressing that huge need initially.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset due to the fact that I said we couldn’t play at the park today. I understand it’s tough due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a large hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands into fists and also growl. The point is to allow him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting helps every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our following example … Laura Markham Carturesti
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to obtain from our child, we must be ready to provide. If I am impolite, controlling and also sarcastic to my young adult merely since I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the standard and also communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, and you value them as a person. Laura Markham Carturesti
This does not mean you have to be a pushover. Yet it does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving together toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everybody in your life. Laura Markham Carturesti
Are you kind to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer support rep on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be considering. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share an individual recollection …
Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, and also she said she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back as well as returned the swiped sticker label, apologized and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate anyone to fix the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? Laura Markham Carturesti
Since we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to solve conflict, as well as even how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, and also model the actions we want, you would be amazed at what’s possible.
Some visitors may be curious about my partner, Antonio, and also his 2 teenage boys from a previous relationship. With time, Antonio has started parenting positively as well, and the repair of their connection is nothing short of a miracle.
Just how can you come to be a positive parent? Laura Markham Carturesti
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to alter your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you will not think how much you’ve altered, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I advise any person who is serious about growing to be an extra positive mother or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Laura Markham Carturesti
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-altering for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares how to help kids of every age to behave WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and also discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Laura Markham Carturesti
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