Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I initially came to be a mother, I recognized that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the very best they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the variety of positive parenting tools available today. Laura Markham Course
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf about managing power struggles, how to discipline the strong-willed child, and also exactly how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure what exactly they learned in those books, however I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, and also a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a difficult period of time. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve begun to understand that, while no one is without flaws, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Laura Markham Course
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Laura Markham Course
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest little girl was born. I started checking out material concerning just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, extreme punishments as well as basically every other generally accepted parenting technique.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I realize there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs fulfilled. I found out about:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these ideas result in healthy child development Laura Markham Course
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique point of view. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had witnessed firsthand just how being the “mean father” could seem to benefit temporarily. However in the long run, it was only promoting disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child connection.
Given his history and also finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and also following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? Laura Markham Course
First, let me tell you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring major misbehavior
• Offering your children every little thing they want Laura Markham Course
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach recognizes the reality that collaboration always yields far better long-term outcomes than forced control.
Parents that embrace this concept have figured out how to promote:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Helping children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they don’t … Nevertheless, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to as well as valued
• Encouraging kids to establish self-restraint
• Going much deeper than simple outside compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the road of gentle parenting, I couldn’t believe that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and shouting. That’s just how I was parented, and therefore I just had no framework for anything different. Laura Markham Course
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s commonly widely accepted (as well as more typical in today’s society) to presume children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
However we can get a great deal further towards solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs much like you and also me. As well as most times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Laura Markham Course
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from cloud nine one moment to complete meltdown the next. Instead of dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a main emotion underneath it
• Many upset children are in fact frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that must be met initially. As an example, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on meeting that big need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really mad due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s hard due to the fact that you genuinely want to play on the swings. However, hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a huge hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands into fists and growl. The intent is to permit him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everything in between. So let’s think about teens in our next example … Laura Markham Course
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we want to get from our child, we have to be willing to give first. If I am rude, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teen merely because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you assume that teaches my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to somebody when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or dad, you can set the standard and show your teen that you value their opinion, as well as you respect them as an individual. Laura Markham Course
This does not suggest you need to be a pushover. But it does imply you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we desire our teen to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. Laura Markham Course
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer service associate on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this question with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share an individual recollection …
Just a few days ago, my 2 daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and also she claimed she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and also returned the swiped sticker label, apologized and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and also begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten any person to settle the dispute. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You recognize why? Laura Markham Course
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to fix conflict, as well as even how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would be astonished at what’s possible.
Some visitors might be curious about my other half, Antonio, and also his 2 teen boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Laura Markham Course
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to change your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you won’t believe how much you have actually changed, along with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I suggest any person that is serious about coming to be a much more positive mommy or daddy to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Laura Markham Course
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media networks. Her materials have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her totally free webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and find out how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button shown below. Laura Markham Course
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.