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When I first became a mother, I recognized that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best job they could, but they didn’t have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools readily available today. Laura Markham Español
There were a few books on our bookshelf about dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they learned in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and a great deal of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I’ve begun to recognize that, while no one is without fault, it is our obligation to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I intended to stop the cycle when I became a mama.Laura Markham Español
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my solution Laura Markham Español
My own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest little girl was born. I began reviewing blogs about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, extreme punishments and also basically every other typically accepted parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to have their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these concepts bring about healthy child development Laura Markham Español
Along the way, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had actually witnessed firsthand how being the “mean father” may appear to work for the moment. Long-term, it was only promoting disrespect, contempt and also resentment in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his history and learning specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyway? Laura Markham Español
Initially, let me tell you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Giving your children everything they ask for Laura Markham Español
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method identifies the reality that cooperation consistently yields much better long-lasting results than strict control.
Parents who adopt this concept have figured out how to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Setting healthy and balanced limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they don’t … After all, what occurs when they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be listened to and also valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-discipline
• Going deeper than mere external conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially started down the path of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also screaming. That’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and therefore I obviously had no understanding about anything different. Laura Markham Español
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Discover the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep. It’s commonly easier (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to assume children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
However we can progress a whole lot farther toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs similar to you as well as me. And frequently their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Laura Markham Español
For example, a toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-control) is not yet formed. That means they can go from delighted one moment to major meltdown the next. Rather than combating a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is always a key feeling beneath it
• The majority of upset children are really frightened and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that need to be met initially. As an example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to help. Concentrate on meeting that big need first.
• Validate his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset since I said we could not go to the park today. I understand it’s difficult due to the fact that you truly want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and also I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if required.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a big hug and also say loudly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The intent is to allow him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everything in between. So let’s use young adults in our next scenario … Laura Markham Español
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we want to obtain from our child, we should agree to offer before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, manipulative and sarcastic to my teen merely because I “have every right since I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to give respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or dad, you can set the example and also show your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as an individual. Laura Markham Español
This doesn’t indicate you need to be a pushover. But it does suggest you can be kind despite disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our teenager to treat us with more regard, the first step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Laura Markham Español
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer support associate on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be considering. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just a few days ago, my 2 daughters were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and returned the stolen sticker, said sorry as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or intimidate any individual to deal with the problem. As well as yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Laura Markham Español
Since we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to resolve conflict, as well as even how to say sorry. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everyone around us with respect, and also model the habits we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be curious about my hubby, Antonio, and also his two teen sons from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, and the restoration of their relationship is nothing except a miracle.
How can you come to be a positive parent? Laura Markham Español
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be tough to change your old way of life. However gradually, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you will not think just how much you’ve transformed, along with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I advise any person that is serious about growing to be an extra positive mom or father to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Laura Markham Español
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media networks. Her materials have been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her cost-free webinar, Amy shares just how to get kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the free class by clicking the button below. Laura Markham Español
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