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When I initially came to be a mother, I understood that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the very best they could, yet they really did not have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools available today. Life With Three Kids
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding managing power struggles, exactly how to control the strong-willed child, and how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m unsure exactly what they learned in those books, however I grew up with a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and also a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I have truly forgiven them for what happened. I’ve come to realize that, while nobody is without fault, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I intended to break the cycle when I came to be a mother.Life With Three Kids
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my strategy Life With Three Kids
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first little girl was born. I started reading material about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, shouting, extreme punishments and also basically every other typically approved parenting technique.
I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I know there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that enable everyone to have their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these principles lead to healthy child development Life With Three Kids
During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. However he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had seen firsthand how being the “mean father” might appear to work for the moment. But in the long run, it was just fostering disrespect, anger and also bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Considering his history and also finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to studying and also implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? Life With Three Kids
First, let me tell you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Disregarding major misbehavior
• Giving your children every little thing they ask for Life With Three Kids
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be required of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting technique identifies the reality that cooperation consistently produces much better lasting outcomes than harsh control.
Parents that adopt this concept have actually learned to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Building a child’s foundational character traits
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of retribution if they do not … Besides, what occurs once they’re adults and the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Recommendation that both children as well as parents need to be listened to as well as valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-restraint
• Going much deeper than mere exterior conformity as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also screaming. That’s exactly how I was parented, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. Life With Three Kids
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Identify the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s frequently much easier (and also more common in today’s society) to assume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
Yet we can get a lot farther towards fixing power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs just like you and also me. And many times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Life With Three Kids
As an example, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-restraint) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from happy one moment to major meltdown the next. So instead of battling a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that suggests there is always a main emotion underneath it
• The majority of angry children are actually frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that must be met first. For example, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that large need first.
• Empathize with his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re truly angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I recognize it’s tough since you really really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to safeguard yourself if needed.
• Focusing more on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a big hug and say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and growl. The point is to enable him to share his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting works for all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our following scenario … Life With Three Kids
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we desire to receive from our child, we have to be willing to give. If I am rude, controlling and also sarcastic to my teenager merely since I “have every right since I am the parent” or since “my child started it,” what do you assume that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the example and also show your teenager that you value their viewpoint, as well as you appreciate them as a person. Life With Three Kids
This does not mean you need to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind despite disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teenager to treat us with even more regard, the first step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Life With Three Kids
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer support representative on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just recently, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and she said she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, after that returned as well as returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or intimidate anyone to deal with the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You recognize why? Life With Three Kids
Since we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to deal with conflict, as well as even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat every person around us with respect, and model the behavior we desire, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be wondering about my partner, Antonio, as well as his 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively too, and also the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
How can you come to be a positive parent? Life With Three Kids
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I have actually ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be tough to transform your old parenting style. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you won’t think just how much you’ve changed, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I advise anyone who is serious about growing to be a more positive mother or dad to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Life With Three Kids
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her products have been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely apply every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to get kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. Life With Three Kids
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.