Please note: This post contains affiliate links.
When I first came to be a mother, I understood that I wanted to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the best job they could, however they really did not have accessibility to the myriad of positive parenting tools available today. Make It Stop
There were a few books on our shelf about taking care of power struggles, exactly how to control the strong-willed child, and also how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad do not understand me.”
I’m unsure just what they found out in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of yelling, and also a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for what happened. I have actually begun to understand that, while no person is perfect, it is our duty to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to break the cycle when I came to be a mommy.Make It Stop
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my solution Make It Stop
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I started reviewing blogs concerning just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, shouting, harsh punishments and also practically every other typically approved parenting technique.
I began to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable every person to have their needs fulfilled. I learned about:
• Handling power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these principles bring about healthy child development Make It Stop
During my learning experience, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different perspective. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually seen firsthand how being the “mean father” might appear to benefit temporarily. Yet long-term, it was only promoting disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his background as well as discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying and following through with positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyway? Make It Stop
First, let me tell you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking major misbehavior
• Giving your children every little thing they want Make It Stop
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limitations
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the fact that cooperation always generates better long-term results than harsh control.
Moms and dads that embrace this concept have learned to cultivate:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s foundational character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of retribution if they do not … Besides, what takes place when they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Encouraging kids to develop self-control
• Going much deeper than simple outside compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and screaming. That’s how I was raised, and I simply had no framework for anything different. Make It Stop
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Identify the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep. It’s usually much easier (and also much more common in today’s world) to assume children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
We can get a great deal more towards resolving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs similar to you and also me. And frequently their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development spectrum. Make It Stop
As an example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet developed. That implies they can go from delighted one minute to major meltdown the next. So instead of combating a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a key emotion under it
• Most angry children are in fact anxious and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any basic needs that should be met initially. For example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Concentrate on addressing that large need first.
• Acknowledge his feelings without approving of the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s tough due to the fact that you genuinely want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if needed.
• Concentrating more on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a large hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into fists and also growl. The intent is to permit him to share his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting works for every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and also everyone in between. So let’s use teenagers in our following example … Make It Stop
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we want to obtain from our child, we should want to provide first. If I am rude, manipulative and also sarcastic to my young adult just due to the fact that I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to someone when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or daddy, you can set the standard and also show your teen that you value their point of view, and you respect them as a person. Make It Stop
This doesn’t imply you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make certain you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. Make It Stop
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer service representative on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be considering. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just a few days ago, my 2 girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she really felt, and also she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned as well as returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as started playing once more happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate anybody to solve the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You know why? Make It Stop
Since we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, exactly how to settle conflict, and even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat everybody around us with respect, and also model the actions we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some readers might be curious about my other half, Antonio, and his two teen sons from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, as well as the restoration of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
How can you come to be a positive parent? Make It Stop
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I have actually ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be difficult to alter your old way of life. However gradually, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you will not believe just how much you have actually transformed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anyone that is serious about growing to be an extra positive mama or dad to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Make It Stop
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her products have actually been life-altering for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely apply every day.
In her free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button shown below. Make It Stop
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.