Mistaken Goals – How I Chose Positive Parenting to Finally Get My Kids to Cooperate

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Mistaken Goals
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I initially became a mama, I recognized that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best they could, but they didn’t have accessibility to the variety of positive parenting tools available today. Mistaken Goals

There were a few books on our shelf about managing power struggles, how to control the stubborn child, as well as how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”

I’m unsure what exactly they found out in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.

It was a difficult number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve come to realize that, while nobody is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mama.Mistaken Goals

From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my solution Mistaken Goals

My own experience with positive parenting started when my first child was born. I began checking out articles concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, yelling, harsh punishments as well as basically every other traditionally approved parenting strategy.

I started to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everybody to have their needs fulfilled. I found out about:

• Problem-solving

• Solving power struggles

• Solid communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Exactly how every one of these concepts bring about healthy and balanced child development Mistaken Goals

Mistaken Goals

In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought a different perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had witnessed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” could appear to benefit for the moment. But long-term, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt and resentment in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child partnership.

Given his background as well as discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.

What does positive parenting mean anyway? Mistaken Goals

Let me inform you what it doesn’t mean. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want

• Being a lazy parent

• Disregarding significant misbehavior

• Offering your children whatever they ask for Mistaken Goals

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”

• Having no restrictions

You might hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the fact that cooperation consistently generates better lasting results than forced control.

Parents who adopt this concept have actually figured out how to promote:

• Shared respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)

• Setting healthy and balanced limits

• Developing a child’s foundational character traits

Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they fear retribution if they don’t … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?

• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be listened to and also valued

• Encouraging kids to establish self-control

• Going deeper than mere outward compliance as well as focusing on the child’s heart

The amusing thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I first began down the road of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other methods to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also yelling. That’s how I was parented, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. Mistaken Goals

I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.

Right here are a couple of the methods Amy reveals to help you to come to be the mother or father you’ve always wanted to be, as well as encourage your child to reach his or her highest potential.

Identify the root of the misbehavior

I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically simpler (and also more typical in today’s society) to think children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.

We can get a whole lot farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs just like you as well as me. As well as often times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Mistaken Goals

For instance, a toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet developed. That implies they can go from cloud nine one minute to complete tantrum the next. So instead of fighting a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:

• Toddlers have little self-control to start with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is always a primary feeling under it

• The majority of upset children are really anxious and/or very sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that have to be met first. For example, if a child is hungry or tired, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Focus on meeting that large need initially.

• Validate his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly mad because I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s difficult because you truly want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, so I will not allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to safeguard yourself if necessary.

• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a large hug and say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to permit him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anybody or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I told you previously that positive parenting benefits all ages – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers as well as everything in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … Mistaken Goals

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we want to receive from our child, we have to be eager to offer. If I am discourteous, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teen merely since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or since “my child started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?

It is much easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or dad, you can set the standard and also communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, and you value them as a person. Mistaken Goals

This does not imply you have to be a pushover. But it does imply you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.

In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we desire our teen to treat us with more regard, the first step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. Mistaken Goals

Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer support associate on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can answer this question with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share a personal story …

Just the other day, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, and also she stated she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.

My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, after that came back as well as returned the stolen sticker, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.

They made up, embraced as well as started playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate anybody to resolve the dispute. And also yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You recognize why? Mistaken Goals

Because we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to fix disputes, and also even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everyone around us with respect, and also model the actions we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some visitors might be curious about my husband, Antonio, and also his two teen boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.

Exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? Mistaken Goals

This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to change your old parenting style. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or more from now, you will not think how much you have actually changed, in addition to the closer connection you have with your kids.

I advise anybody who is serious about growing to be a more positive mama or dad to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Mistaken Goals

You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can truly use every day.

In her complimentary webinar, Amy shares how to get kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or screaming. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the totally free class by clicking the button below. Mistaken Goals


Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.

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