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When I first became a mother, I understood that I intended to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the very best they could, yet they didn’t have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. My Child Doesn’t Listen
There were a couple of books on our shelf about handling power struggles, how to deal with the strong-willed child, and just how to get your kids to do what you say. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure just what they learned in those books, however I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of shouting, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a tough number of years. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I’ve genuinely forgiven them for what happened. I have actually come to recognize that, while nobody is without fault, it is our responsibility to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wished to stop the cycle when I became a mother.My Child Doesn’t Listen
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy My Child Doesn’t Listen
My own experience with positive parenting started when my first little girl was born. I started checking out material regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, shouting, severe punishments as well as pretty much every other typically accepted parenting technique.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I understand there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable everybody to have their needs met. I found out about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how every one of these principles result in healthy and balanced child development My Child Doesn’t Listen
Along the way, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had witnessed firsthand how being the “mean dad” might appear to benefit for the moment. But in the long run, it was just promoting disrespect, contempt as well as bitterness in what was supposed to be a caring parent-child partnership.
Considering his history and also discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching as well as employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting really mean anyhow? My Child Doesn’t Listen
Let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking major misbehavior
• Providing your children whatever they ask for My Child Doesn’t Listen
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no restrictions
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method acknowledges the reality that collaboration always generates far better long-lasting results than strict control.
Parents who adopt this concept have actually figured out how to promote:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy boundaries
• Building a child’s fundamental character traits
• Encouraging children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what happens as soon as they’re adults and the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Encouraging kids to grow their self-restraint
• Going much deeper than plain outside conformity and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were various other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as shouting. That’s exactly how I was parented, and I just had no understanding about anything different. My Child Doesn’t Listen
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has worked as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online program.
Get to the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep. It’s usually simpler (as well as much more usual in today’s society) to assume children are simply spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.
Yet we can get a whole lot more towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs just like you and also me. And often times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. My Child Doesn’t Listen
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet formed. That means they can go from happy one minute to major tantrum the next. So rather than dealing with a losing battle by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-restraint to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is always a key emotion under it
• A lot of angry children are really frightened and/or sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that should be met initially. As an example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Concentrate on meeting that huge need first.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I recognize it’s hard since you truly wish to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, so I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a big hug and say loudly “I am angry!” Or ball his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The intent is to allow him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our next example … My Child Doesn’t Listen
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we intend to receive from our child, we must want to give before anyone else. If I am disrespectful, controlling and also sarcastic to my young adult merely since I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or because “my child started it,” what do you believe that teaches my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or father, you can set the example and also communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, as well as you value them as an individual. My Child Doesn’t Listen
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. Yet it does indicate you can be kind in the face of conflict. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our teenager to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. My Child Doesn’t Listen
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer care rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can answer this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just recently, my two daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, and she stated she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and returned the swiped sticker, said sorry as well as requested forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate anybody to resolve the problem. And also yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You recognize why? My Child Doesn’t Listen
Since we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, exactly how to settle disputes, and also even exactly how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Apologize to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, and model the habits we want, you would be astonished at what’s possible.
Some readers could be curious about my husband, Antonio, and his 2 teen sons from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively too, and the repair of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
So how can you become a positive parent? My Child Doesn’t Listen
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most fulfilling things I have actually ever done. I won’t lie to you – it can be challenging to alter your old ways. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you will not think how much you have actually altered, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody that is serious about becoming a much more positive mommy or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. My Child Doesn’t Listen
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media networks. Her materials have been life-altering for more than 75,000 parents around the world, and also there’s no much better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her complimentary webinar, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of any age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll aid you in beginning parenting positive, as well as find out how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button shown below. My Child Doesn’t Listen
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