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When I initially came to be a mama, I recognized that I wished to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the myriad of positive parenting tools offered today. My Kids Don’t Listen
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding taking care of power struggles, how to discipline the strong-willed child, and exactly how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m not sure exactly what they found out in those books, however I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a difficult number of years. And also our connection is still strained today, although I have sincerely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually begun to recognize that, while no person is perfect, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mama.My Kids Don’t Listen
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan My Kids Don’t Listen
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my first child was born. I began reading material about just how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, yelling, extreme punishments as well as virtually every other traditionally accepted parenting method.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everyone to get their needs satisfied. I discovered:
• Managing power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these principles cause healthy child development My Kids Don’t Listen
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had experienced firsthand just how being the “mean father” could appear to work for the moment. In the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, anger and resentment in what was expected to be a loving parent-child connection.
Given his history and finding out precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching and also employing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? My Kids Don’t Listen
Let me inform you what it does not imply. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children every little thing they ask for My Kids Don’t Listen
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the reality that cooperation consistently generates far better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Parents that adopt this design have figured out how to foster:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Developing a child’s fundamental character traits
• Assisting children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they do not … Nevertheless, what occurs once they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be listened to as well as valued
• Helping kids to establish self-control
• Going much deeper than plain external conformity as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the road of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other ways to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also shouting. That’s how I was treated as a child, and therefore I simply had no understanding about anything different. My Kids Don’t Listen
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to countless moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Get to the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep stuff. It’s frequently simpler (as well as more common in today’s world) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a great deal further toward solving power struggles when we see children as little people. They have needs just like you as well as me. And also most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development spectrum. My Kids Don’t Listen
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from happy one moment to complete meltdown the next. So rather than fighting a losing fight by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is always a main feeling underneath it
• Most upset children are actually frightened and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that must be addressed initially. For example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that large need initially.
• Validate his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re really mad due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you really wish to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.
• Focusing way too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the circumstance even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a large hug and say loudly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The intent is to allow him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits any age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our following scenario … My Kids Don’t Listen
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we desire to get from our child, we should be prepared to provide. If I am discourteous, controlling and sarcastic to my teen just since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the example and communicate to your young adult that you value their point of view, and also you value them as a person. My Kids Don’t Listen
This doesn’t imply you have to be a pushover. Yet it does indicate you can be kind when faced with conflict. It will accomplish more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our teen to treat us with more respect, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to everyone in your life. My Kids Don’t Listen
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer care associate on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking about. Keep in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just the other day, my two young girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned as well as returned the swiped sticker, apologized and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any person to fix the conflict. As well as yet we experienced a beautiful resolution. You recognize why? My Kids Don’t Listen
Since we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to settle conflict, as well as even just how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the actions we want, you would be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, and also his two teen boys from a previous relationship. Over time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively also, and also the restoration of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.
Exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? My Kids Don’t Listen
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever before done. I will not stretch the truth to you – it can be tough to transform your old ways. Yet little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or two from now, you won’t believe how much you have actually transformed, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I suggest anyone who is serious about coming to be a more positive mom or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. My Kids Don’t Listen
You’ve most likely seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-altering for more than 75,000 parents around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to get kids of any age to listen WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and also discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button shown below. My Kids Don’t Listen
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