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When I first became a mother, I understood that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, yet they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools offered today. My Son Whines All The Time
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding managing power struggles, how to discipline the stubborn child, as well as exactly how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My own parents don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure exactly what they found out in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and also a lot of just plain losing control.
It was a hard number of years. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually come to understand that, while nobody is without fault, it is our duty to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.My Son Whines All The Time
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my strategy My Son Whines All The Time
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first daughter was born. I began reviewing blogs about how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed with spanking, screaming, severe punishments and practically every other generally accepted parenting technique.
I began to think, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to have their needs fulfilled. I discovered:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development My Son Whines All The Time
Along the way, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” may appear to benefit temporarily. Long-term, it was just promoting disrespect, contempt and also resentment in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his background and also discovering precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyhow? My Son Whines All The Time
Let me inform you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a passive parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Providing your children whatever they ask for My Son Whines All The Time
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no boundaries
You may see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method identifies the truth that cooperation consistently produces far better long-term outcomes than strict control.
Parents that adopt this concept have learned to promote:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Setting healthy limits
• Building a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not due to the fact that they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … After all, what occurs once they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and also parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Encouraging kids to establish self-restraint
• Going deeper than plain outward compliance as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as screaming. That’s how I was parented, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. My Son Whines All The Time
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually functioned as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Find the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically widely accepted (and a lot more common in today’s society) to assume children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
We can get a whole lot further towards addressing power struggles when we see children as little people. They real needs much like you and me. And also often times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. My Son Whines All The Time
For instance, a 2-year-old’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet matured. That suggests they can go from happy one minute to complete meltdown the next. So rather than dealing with a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is always a primary feeling beneath it
• Many mad children are really anxious and/or very sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of fundamental needs that must be met initially. As an example, if a child is starving or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to help. Focus on meeting that big need first.
• Validate his feelings without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset because I said we could not go to the park today. I know it’s tough due to the fact that you genuinely wish to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I won’t let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if required.
• Focusing more on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the situation worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands into clenched fists and also growl. The intent is to enable him to share his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Remember the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and everyone in between. So let’s talk about teens in our next example … My Son Whines All The Time
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we want to obtain from our child, we must be eager to provide. If I am impolite, controlling and sarcastic to my young adult simply because I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mom or daddy, you can set the standard and also communicate to your teen that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as an individual. My Son Whines All The Time
This doesn’t mean you have to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind despite disputes. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to set the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we desire our teenager to treat us with more respect, the first step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. My Son Whines All The Time
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer service associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with a resounding “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just the other day, my 2 young girls were having a squabble. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and also she said she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and returned the stolen sticker, apologized and requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also begun playing once again gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate anybody to deal with the problem. And yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You recognize why? My Son Whines All The Time
Because we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, just how to resolve conflict, as well as even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with every person around us with respect, and also model the habits we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s possible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my spouse, Antonio, and his 2 teen boys from a previous marriage. In time, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively as well, as well as the repair of their relationship is nothing except a miracle.
So how can you become a positive parent? My Son Whines All The Time
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to alter your old parenting style. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or two from now, you won’t believe how much you have actually transformed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I advise anyone that is serious about growing to be a much more positive mommy or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. My Son Whines All The Time
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of number of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-altering for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and also there’s no better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares how to help kids of any age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll help you in beginning parenting positive, as well as find out how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free class by clicking the button shown below. My Son Whines All The Time
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you go through them to make a purchase, I will earn a commission (at no additional cost to you), which compensates for my time spent to compile this information. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.