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When I initially came to be a mother, I knew that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mother and father did the best job they could, yet they really did not have accessibility to the huge selection of positive parenting tools available today. No Shame Parenting
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding taking care of power struggles, how to control the strong-willed child, and exactly how to get your kids to obey. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I noticeably remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m uncertain what exactly they discovered in those books, yet I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult period of time. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I have truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I have actually begun to realize that, while no person is perfect, it is our obligation to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mother.No Shame Parenting
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach No Shame Parenting
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first child was born. I started reviewing material regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged through spanking, shouting, harsh punishments as well as basically every other traditionally approved parenting method.
I started to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I know there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs met. I learned more about:
• Handling power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these ideas cause healthy child development No Shame Parenting
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique perspective. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage, and had actually experienced firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” might appear to help temporarily. In the long run, it was only fostering disrespect, contempt and bitterness in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Given his background as well as finding out specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching and employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? No Shame Parenting
First, let me inform you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring major wrongdoing
• Offering your children whatever they ask for No Shame Parenting
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no boundaries
You might see positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the truth that collaboration consistently yields much better long-lasting results than harsh control.
Moms and dads who adopt this design have actually figured out how to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced limits
• Building a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Encouraging children to do what’s right due to the fact that they WANT to, not since they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … Nevertheless, what takes place as soon as they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be listened to and valued
• Assisting kids to grow their self-control
• Going much deeper than mere external compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the road of gentle parenting, I could not imagine that there were other techniques to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as yelling. That’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and I obviously had no understanding about anything different. No Shame Parenting
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has acted as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting through her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Below are a couple of the methods Amy teaches to encourage you to come to be the mother or daddy you have actually always intended to be, as well as assist your child to reach his/her highest potential.
Get to the root of the acting out
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically easier (as well as a lot more common in today’s society) to presume children are simply spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
But we can progress a whole lot further toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They have needs similar to you and also me. As well as frequently their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development spectrum. No Shame Parenting
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that enables self-discipline) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from happy one moment to major tantrum the next. So rather than fighting a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Young children have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is typically a main feeling beneath it
• A lot of mad children are really frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that need to be met first. For instance, if a child is hungry or sleepy, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Focus on meeting that huge need first.
• Empathize with his emotions without accepting the misbehavior (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset due to the fact that I said we could not go to the park today. I know it’s tough since you genuinely wish to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the circumstance worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The point is to enable him to express his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you previously that positive parenting helps every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s talk about young adults in our next scenario … No Shame Parenting
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we want to obtain from our child, we must be ready to provide. If I am disrespectful, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teenager just since I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my child started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the example and also show your teenager that you value their point of view, as well as you value them as a person. No Shame Parenting
This does not suggest you have to be a pushover. Yet it does imply you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our teen to treat us with even more regard, the primary step is to make certain that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. No Shame Parenting
Are you gentle to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and also to the customer support rep on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking about. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this one with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just a few days ago, my 2 young girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, and she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back and also returned the stolen sticker label, apologized and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or intimidate any individual to settle the conflict. And also yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? No Shame Parenting
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to resolve conflict, and also even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will undoubtedly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, deal with everybody around us with respect, as well as model the actions we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s possible.
Some readers might be wondering about my partner, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent boys from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, as well as the restoration of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
How can you come to be a positive parent? No Shame Parenting
This is the million-dollar question! Discovering positive parenting is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be hard to alter your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you won’t think how much you’ve changed, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I recommend any person who is serious about becoming a much more positive mom or father to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. No Shame Parenting
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media channels. Her materials have been life-altering for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.
In her complimentary webinar, Amy shares just how to get kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or yelling. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, and also learn how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the free class by clicking the button shown below. No Shame Parenting
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