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When I initially came to be a mom, I knew that I wanted to do things differently than how I was brought up. My mom and dad did the best job they could, however they really did not have access to the variety of positive parenting tools available today. Parents.Amazon.Com
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding dealing with power struggles, exactly how to deal with the stubborn child, and just how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not sure what exactly they discovered in those books, however I experienced a great deal of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and a great deal of just plain blowing up.
It was a tough period of time. And our connection is still strained today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for what happened. I have actually come to recognize that, while no person is perfect, it is our duty to be the most effective parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wished to stop the cycle when I became a mommy.Parents.Amazon.Com
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy Parents.Amazon.Com
My own experience with positive parenting began when my first child was born. I started checking out blogs concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, yelling, harsh punishments and virtually every other generally accepted parenting technique.
I started to assume, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I realize there’s a whole tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs met. I learned more about:
• Resolving power struggles
• Solid communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how every one of these concepts bring about healthy and balanced child development Parents.Amazon.Com
In the process, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teen boys from a previous relationship, and had actually witnessed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” may seem to benefit for the moment. However long-term, it was just promoting disrespect, contempt and resentment in what was expected to be a loving parent-child connection.
Considering his background and also learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyway? Parents.Amazon.Com
Initially, let me tell you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a passive parent
• Disregarding major misbehavior
• Giving your children everything they want Parents.Amazon.Com
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Safeguarding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might see positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting approach identifies the reality that collaboration always yields better long-term results than strict control.
Moms and dads that embrace this concept have learned to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries
• Developing a child’s fundamental character qualities
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … After all, what takes place when they’re adults and the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children and parents need to be listened to as well as valued
• Assisting kids to develop self-restraint
• Going deeper than simple outside compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not envision that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing and also yelling. That’s how I was treated as a child, and therefore I obviously had no framework for anything different. Parents.Amazon.Com
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and creator of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has acted as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Get to the root of the behavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically easier (and extra usual in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
However we can get a lot further towards resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs just like you and me. As well as most times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. Parents.Amazon.Com
For instance, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-control) is not yet formed. That suggests they can go from joyful one moment to major meltdown the next. Rather than fighting a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with
• Anger is a secondary feeling – that means there is typically a primary emotion below it
• Many mad children are really frightened and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of basic needs that have to be met first. For example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on meeting that large need initially.
• Acknowledge his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we could not play at the park today. I recognize it’s hard because you really want to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and also I won’t let you do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Focusing too much on what you DON’T want the child to do only makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and say loudly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to allow him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting helps every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everything in between. So let’s use young adults in our next scenario … Parents.Amazon.Com
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to obtain from our child, we have to be willing to offer before anyone else. If I am impolite, controlling and also sarcastic to my teenager simply because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you assume that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mommy or daddy, you can set the standard and communicate to your teen that you value their viewpoint, and also you appreciate them as an individual. Parents.Amazon.Com
This doesn’t indicate you have to be a pushover. It does indicate you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving with each other towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we desire our young adult to treat us with more regard, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. Parents.Amazon.Com
Are you kind to your spouse, to your siblings, to all your children, and to the customer care associate on the phone? In each of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share a personal recollection …
Just a few days ago, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she really felt, and she stated she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, then came back as well as returned the stolen sticker, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and also begun playing once more gladly. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten anyone to resolve the problem. And yet we experienced a peaceful resolution. You know why? Parents.Amazon.Com
Due to the fact that we have modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to settle disputes, and also even just how to say sorry. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we make a mistake. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everybody around us with respect, as well as model the habits we want, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be wondering about my other half, Antonio, and also his two teen sons from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has started parenting positively as well, as well as the repair of their connection is nothing except a miracle.
So how can you come to be a positive parent? Parents.Amazon.Com
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I have actually ever before done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or more from now, you will not believe just how much you have actually transformed, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I advise any individual who is serious about becoming a much more positive mama or dad to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. Parents.Amazon.Com
You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media networks. Her materials have actually been life-altering for greater than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can genuinely apply every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, as well as discover how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the complimentary webinar by clicking the button below. Parents.Amazon.Com
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