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When I initially became a mom, I recognized that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best job they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools readily available today. Positive Parenting After Separation
There were a few books on our shelf about taking care of power struggles, just how to control the stubborn child, as well as how to get your kids to do what you say. I recall seeing these books around the house, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not sure what exactly they found out in those books, however I experienced a great deal of spanking, a great deal of yelling, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult number of years. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to realize that, while nobody is perfect, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to break the cycle when I became a mom.Positive Parenting After Separation
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my solution Positive Parenting After Separation
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my first child was born. I began reading blogs regarding exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, shouting, harsh punishments and also practically every other traditionally approved parenting strategy.
I began to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I understand there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to have their needs satisfied. I found out about:
• Dealing with power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How every one of these principles result in healthy child development Positive Parenting After Separation
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. Yet he brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and had witnessed firsthand exactly how being the “mean father” may seem to help for the moment. Yet long-term, it was just promoting disrespect, anger and resentment in what was supposed to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his history as well as discovering specifically what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying as well as applying positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Positive Parenting After Separation
First, let me tell you what it does not suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Disregarding significant misbehavior
• Offering your children every little thing they ask for Positive Parenting After Separation
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no limits
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique acknowledges the truth that collaboration always yields better long-lasting outcomes than harsh control.
Parents who embrace this concept have actually figured out how to cultivate:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Assisting children to do what’s right because they WANT to, not because they are afraid of retribution if they don’t … Nevertheless, what takes place as soon as they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is removed?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be heard and also valued
• Helping kids to develop self-discipline
• Going deeper than simple outward compliance as well as concentrating on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s how I was parented, and I just had no framework for anything different. Positive Parenting After Separation
I’ll share some parenting strategies I learned from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to countless moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep. It’s often widely accepted (and also more typical in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled-rotten brats, which is why they act out.
We can get a great deal farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs just like you as well as me. And frequently their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re currently at on the brain and language development growth spectrum. Positive Parenting After Separation
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that makes it possible for self-control) is not yet matured. That indicates they can go from cloud nine one minute to major tantrum the next. So rather than fighting a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that means there is typically a main emotion beneath it
• The majority of angry children are really anxious and/or very sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that must be met first. For instance, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Concentrate on addressing that huge need initially.
• Validate his emotions without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re sincerely upset since I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard since you really really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to safeguard yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating way too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the scenario worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a large hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The goal is to permit him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting helps every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and everyone in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … Positive Parenting After Separation
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we desire to receive from our child, we must be willing to give. If I am discourteous, controlling and sarcastic to my teenager just since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or since “my child started it,” what do you assume that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to someone when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or daddy, you can set the standard and also show your teen that you value their opinion, as well as you respect them as an individual. Positive Parenting After Separation
This doesn’t indicate you have to be a pushover. But it does imply you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish more than you anticipate to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children grow a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with even more regard, the initial step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everybody in your life. Positive Parenting After Separation
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer support associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking about. Remember, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this question with a definite “Yes!” Or I can share a personal recollection …
Just recently, my two young girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old just how she really felt, and she stated she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and also returned the swiped sticker, said sorry as well as asked for forgiveness.
They made up, embraced and started playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not require or manipulate any person to deal with the conflict. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Positive Parenting After Separation
Since we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, just how to deal with conflict, and also even just how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everybody around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.
Some visitors might be curious about my spouse, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent sons from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has started parenting positively also, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing short of miraculous.
Just how can you become a positive parent? Positive Parenting After Separation
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I will not lie to you – it can be difficult to transform your old parenting style. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. As well as a year or 2 from now, you will not believe how much you’ve altered, in addition to the closer partnership you have with your kids.
I recommend anyone that is serious about growing to be an extra positive mother or dad to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Positive Parenting After Separation
You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any kind of variety of media networks. Her materials have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can genuinely apply every day.
In her cost-free class, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT manipulating or screaming. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and also find out how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can sign up for the complimentary class by clicking the button below. Positive Parenting After Separation
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