Sibling Rivalry – How I Used Positive Parenting to At Long Last Get My Kids to Cooperate

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Sibling Rivalry
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I initially came to be a mama, I knew that I wanted to do things in a different way than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best they could, yet they didn’t have accessibility to the plethora of positive parenting tools offered today. Sibling Rivalry

There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding managing power struggles, exactly how to control the strong-willed child, and just how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My own mom and dad do not understand me.”

I’m not exactly sure just what they learned in those books, but I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of screaming, and a great deal of just plain tempers raging.

It was a difficult period of time. And also our connection is still not the best today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve come to understand that, while no one is perfect, it is our obligation to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I intended to stop the cycle when I came to be a mother.Sibling Rivalry

From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my plan Sibling Rivalry

My own experience with positive parenting started when my first child was born. I began checking out blog posts about exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed through spanking, yelling, harsh punishments as well as virtually every other traditionally approved parenting technique.

I began to believe, “Well, if you can’t do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to do what you ask?” Little did I understand there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs met. I discovered:

• Problem-solving

• Handling power struggles

• Strong communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Just how all of these principles bring about healthy and balanced child development Sibling Rivalry

Sibling Rivalry

In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had 2 teenage boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually observed firsthand how being the “mean dad” could seem to work temporarily. In the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, anger and bitterness in what was intended to be a loving parent-child relationship.

Given his history as well as learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to researching as well as employing positive parenting in our lives.

So what does positive parenting really mean anyhow? Sibling Rivalry

Initially, let me tell you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want

• Being a lazy parent

• Disregarding significant wrongdoing

• Providing your children everything they want Sibling Rivalry

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Sheltering your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”

• Having no limits

You might hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the truth that cooperation always produces much better long-lasting results than harsh control.

Parents that embrace this concept have actually learned to promote:

• Common respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and also in their children)

• Setting healthy and balanced boundaries

• Developing a child’s fundamental character traits

Helping children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what takes place as soon as they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is removed?

• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be heard and valued

• Encouraging kids to establish self-control

• Going much deeper than mere outside conformity and also focusing on the child’s heart

The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I first started on the journey of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were various other methods to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as shouting. That’s exactly how I was parented, and therefore I just had no understanding about anything different. Sibling Rivalry

I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-respected parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually served as parenting guide to 75,000+ mothers and fathers, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line program.

Below are a couple of the strategies Amy shares to help you to come to be the mom or father you’ve always intended to be, as well as assist your child to reach his/her highest potential.

Discover the root of the acting out

I told you this is deep. It’s usually widely accepted (as well as a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled brats, and that is why they act out.

We can get a whole lot further toward addressing power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They real needs just like you as well as me. And also often times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain as well as language development growth spectrum. Sibling Rivalry

A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that makes it possible for self-control) is not yet matured. That indicates they can go from delighted one minute to complete meltdown the next. So instead of battling a losing battle by sending a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:

• Toddlers have little self-control to begin with

• Anger is a secondary feeling – that implies there is typically a key emotion below it

• A lot of angry children are really frightened and/or sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that have to be met first. As an example, if a child is starving or exhausted, there’s no measure of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to assist. Focus on meeting that large need initially.

• Validate his emotions without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re really upset since I said we could not go to the park today. I understand it’s hard because you really really want to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to shield yourself if necessary.

• Concentrating more on what you DON’T desire the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and also say firmly “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and also growl. The goal is to permit him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.

Remember the Golden Rule

I informed you earlier that positive parenting benefits every age – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teenagers and everything in between. So let’s use young adults in our next example … Sibling Rivalry

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we wish to obtain from our child, we must be willing to give before anyone else. If I am impolite, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager merely since I “have every right given that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you believe that communicates to my child?

It is a lot easier to offer respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mother or daddy, you can set the example and also communicate to your young adult that you value their viewpoint, and you value them as an individual. Sibling Rivalry

This doesn’t suggest you have to be a pushover. But it does imply you can be kind when faced with conflict. It will accomplish more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.

In a similar way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. If we want our teen to treat us with more respect, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. Sibling Rivalry

Are you kind to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and also to the customer service representative on the phone? In each of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking of. Remember, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I can address this with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …

Just the other day, my 2 girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she stated she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.

My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then came back and returned the stolen sticker, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.

They made up, embraced and begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or manipulate any individual to settle the problem. And yet we experienced a lovely resolution. You know why? Sibling Rivalry

Since we have actually modeled for our children just how to problem solve, how to settle disputes, and even exactly how to apologize. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will unavoidably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everybody around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we desire, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.

Some readers might be curious about my other half, Antonio, as well as his two teenage sons from a previous marriage. Over time, Antonio has begun parenting positively also, and also the repair of their relationship is nothing except miraculous.

How can you evolve to be a positive parent? Sibling Rivalry

This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I have actually ever before done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to transform your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. And a year or two from now, you will not believe how much you’ve transformed, along with the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I suggest anyone who is serious about coming to be a more positive mommy or father to take a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. Sibling Rivalry

You’ve probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media networks. Her products have actually been life-changing for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can absolutely use every day.

In her totally free class, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of any age to listen WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and also discover how to stop the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the cost-free webinar by clicking the button shown below. Sibling Rivalry


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