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When I first came to be a mommy, I understood that I wished to do things differently than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best they could, but they didn’t have access to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. The Horse Back Talk
There were a couple of books on our bookshelf regarding dealing with power struggles, how to deal with the stubborn child, and also exactly how to get your kids to comply. I remember seeing these books around the house, and I distinctly recall thinking at the time, “My own parents do not understand me.”
I’m uncertain what exactly they learned in those books, however I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a great deal of shouting, and also a lot of just plain blowing up.
It was a difficult period of time. And our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve sincerely forgiven them for their mistakes. I’ve begun to realize that, while no person is perfect, it is our responsibility to be the very best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to break the cycle when I came to be a mama.The Horse Back Talk
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my approach The Horse Back Talk
My very own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I started checking out blogs concerning how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, screaming, extreme punishments and also practically every other traditionally accepted parenting strategy.
I began to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, exactly how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I understand there’s an entire tool kit of positive parenting tips that allow every person to get their needs fulfilled. I found out about:
• Solving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Exactly how all of these ideas bring about healthy child development The Horse Back Talk
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. But he brought a different perspective. He had two teenage boys from a previous relationship, and also had experienced firsthand just how being the “mean father” could seem to benefit temporarily. In the long run, it was only promoting disrespect, contempt and also bitterness in what was meant to be a loving parent-child relationship.
Given his background and also learning exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to studying as well as employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? The Horse Back Talk
Let me tell you what it doesn’t suggest. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids run wild
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring significant wrongdoing
• Giving your children everything they ask for The Horse Back Talk
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “real life”
• Having no limitations
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting method identifies the reality that collaboration always produces much better long-term results than harsh control.
Moms and dads who embrace this design have figured out how to cultivate:
• Common respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy and balanced boundaries
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Assisting children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear retribution if they don’t … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re grownups and also the threat of punishment is eliminated?
• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be heard and also valued
• Encouraging kids to grow their self-discipline
• Going much deeper than simple outward compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you actually dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not believe that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s exactly how I was parented, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. The Horse Back Talk
I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to thousands of mothers and fathers, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Get to the root of the misbehavior
I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s typically widely accepted (and much more typical in today’s society) to assume children are just spoiled-rotten brats, and that is why they act out.
We can progress a whole lot further towards solving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs just like you and also me. And often times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. The Horse Back Talk
A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that enables self-restraint) is not yet matured. That means they can go from cloud nine one moment to complete tantrum the next. Instead of battling a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-restraint to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a primary emotion below it
• Many upset children are really frightened and/or very sad
So what’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that must be met first. For instance, if a child is starving or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to remedy the problem. Concentrate on addressing that large need first.
• Validate his feelings without accepting the actions (“I can see that you’re truly upset due to the fact that I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I know it’s difficult because you really really want to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, so I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to protect yourself if required.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the scenario even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he is OK to do to let off steam when he is furious – like squeeze himself in a big hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and also growl. The intent is to allow him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you earlier that positive parenting benefits any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens and everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our following scenario … The Horse Back Talk
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That indicates what we intend to get from our child, we need to want to provide first. If I am impolite, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teen merely since I “have every right because I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you think that communicates to my child?
It is much easier to give respect to somebody when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mama or father, you can set the example and show your teenager that you value their viewpoint, and you value them as an individual. The Horse Back Talk
This does not indicate you have to be a pushover. It does suggest you can be kind in the face of problems. It will accomplish a lot more than you anticipate to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a similar way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. If we want our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the initial step is to make sure you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. The Horse Back Talk
Are you gentle to your partner, to your siblings, to all your children, as well as to the customer service representative on the phone? In every one of those situations, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Keep in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could address this one with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal recollection …
Just recently, my 2 girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker she was playing with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to collect her thoughts, then returned and returned the stolen sticker, said sorry and asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged and started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or manipulate any person to resolve the problem. And yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? The Horse Back Talk
Because we have modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, exactly how to deal with disputes, as well as even how to apologize. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you recognize your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with everyone around us with respect, and model the behavior we desire, you would certainly be amazed at what’s possible.
Some readers might be curious about my husband, Antonio, as well as his 2 adolescent boys from a previous relationship. In time, Antonio has actually started parenting positively as well, as well as the repair of their relationship is nothing except a miracle.
So just how can you become a positive parent? The Horse Back Talk
This is the million-dollar question! Learning positive parenting is among the most rewarding things I’ve ever before done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to change your old ways. But gradually, you will certainly make improvements. And also a year or 2 from now, you won’t think just how much you’ve transformed, along with the closer connection you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody that is serious about becoming a more positive mom or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. The Horse Back Talk
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of number of media channels. Her materials have been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, and there’s no better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her complimentary class, Amy shares just how to help kids of every age to behave WITHOUT manipulating or yelling. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, and discover how to quit the power struggle before it starts! You can register for the totally free class by clicking the button below. The Horse Back Talk
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