What Causes Sibling Rivalry – How I Used Positive Parenting to At Long Last Get My Kids to Cooperate

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What Causes Sibling Rivalry
HAZEL DEAN
Wife to Antonio, and mommy of two girls

When I first became a mommy, I knew that I wanted to do things in different ways than how I was brought up. My mother and father did the best job they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the variety of positive parenting tools offered today. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

There were a few books on our shelf concerning managing power struggles, how to discipline the strong-willed child, as well as just how to get your kids to comply. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My own parents don’t understand me.”

I’m unsure what exactly they discovered in those books, yet I grew up with a lot of spanking, a lot of yelling, and also a great deal of just plain blowing up.

It was a challenging period of time. And also our relationship is still strained today, although I have genuinely forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve come to understand that, while no person is without flaws, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I understood I wanted to stop the cycle when I came to be a mother.What Causes Sibling Rivalry

From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my approach What Causes Sibling Rivalry

My own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest daughter was born. I started reviewing blog posts regarding how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged by spanking, shouting, severe punishments and basically every other commonly approved parenting strategy.

I started to assume, “Well, if you can’t do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to listen to you?” Little did I realize there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs satisfied. I learned about:

• Problem-solving

• Resolving power struggles

• Strong communication skills

• Natural consequences

• Exactly how every one of these concepts bring about healthy child development What Causes Sibling Rivalry

What Causes Sibling Rivalry

During my learning experience, my husband Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique point of view. He had 2 teen boys from a previous marriage, and also had actually witnessed firsthand just how being the “mean dad” might appear to work temporarily. Yet in the long run, it was just breeding disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was intended to be a caring parent-child connection.

Given his history as well as learning precisely what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to researching as well as following through with positive parenting in our lives.

What does positive parenting really mean anyhow? What Causes Sibling Rivalry

Let me inform you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:

• Allowing your kids to run wild

• Being a passive parent

• Disregarding significant wrongdoing

• Providing your children whatever they ask for What Causes Sibling Rivalry

• Being a servant on-call 24/7

• Sheltering your kids from what will be required of them in “the real world”

• Having no limits

You may hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting approach recognizes the reality that collaboration always produces far better long-term results than strict control.

Moms and dads who embrace this design have figured out how to cultivate:

• Shared respect

• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)

• Establishing healthy and balanced limits

• Developing a child’s fundamental character and morals

Helping children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not due to the fact that they fear retribution if they do not … After all, what occurs as soon as they’re grownups and the threat of punishment is eliminated?

• Acknowledgment that both children as well as parents need to be listened to as well as valued

• Helping kids to grow their self-discipline

• Going deeper than simple outward compliance and concentrating on the child’s heart

The funny thing is, when you truly dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff takes care of itself.

What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?

When I first began on the journey of gentle parenting, I couldn’t visualize that there were other means to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments as well as yelling. That’s exactly how I was parented, and I simply had no framework for anything different. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

I’ll share some parenting strategies I picked up from Amy McCready, a nationally recognized parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has served as parenting guide to 75,000+ moms and dads, helping them get rid of the power struggle of reactionary parenting with her 7-Step Parenting Success System on-line course.

Below are a couple of the strategies Amy shares to assist you to evolve into the mommy or father you’ve always intended to be, as well as assist your child to reach his/her full potential.

Get to the root of the acting out

I mentioned this is deep stuff. It’s often easier (and also a lot more usual in today’s world) to think children are simply spoiled brats, which is why they act out.

Yet we can get a whole lot farther towards solving power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs similar to you and me. And also often times their legitimate needs are amplified based on where they’re at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

A young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet developed. That indicates they can go from joyful one moment to major meltdown the next. So as opposed to combating a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for slapping you on the arm, you can recognize that:

• Toddlers have little self-discipline to begin with

• Anger is a secondary emotion – that suggests there is always a main emotion underneath it

• Most upset children are really scared and/or very sad

What’s a peaceful parent to do?

• Determine if there are any type of fundamental needs that need to be addressed first. As an example, if a child is hungry or worn out, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is going to remedy the problem. Focus on meeting that large need first.

• Acknowledge his feelings without approving of the behavior (“I can see that you’re truly upset since I said we could not play at the park today. I know it’s tough since you truly want to play on the swings. Hitting hurts, and also I will not let you do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if needed.

• Focusing too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the circumstance even worse. So redirect the behavior toward something he CAN do to let off steam when he’s mad – like squeeze himself in a huge hug and also say “I am angry!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The point is to permit him to express his disappointment in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any person or anything.

Bear In Mind the Golden Rule

I informed you previously that positive parenting helps every age – from young children to ‘tweens, teenagers and also everyone in between. So let’s think about teens in our following scenario … What Causes Sibling Rivalry

Respectful parenting goes both ways. That means what we want to obtain from our child, we should be prepared to provide. If I am discourteous, manipulative as well as sarcastic to my teenager simply due to the fact that I “have every right given that I am the parent” or because “my kid started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?

It is much easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and appreciating you. As the mama or dad, you can set the standard and also communicate to your teen that you value their viewpoint, as well as you appreciate them as an individual. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

This doesn’t indicate you need to be a pushover. It does suggest you can be kind in the face of disputes. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to set the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.

In a comparable way, children mature a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we desire our teenager to treat us with even more respect, the first step is to make certain that you, as the parent, are doing just that to every person in your life. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

Are you kind to your spouse, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer care rep on the phone? In each of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you should be thinking about. Bear in mind, the apple won’t fall far from the tree.

Is positive parenting really effective?

I could answer this question with an unquestionable “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …

Just recently, my two girls were having a tiff. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, as well as she claimed she was angry since my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.

My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, then returned as well as returned the swiped sticker, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.

They made up, hugged and also begun playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten any individual to resolve the problem. As well as yet we experienced a stunning resolution. You know why? What Causes Sibling Rivalry

Because we have actually modeled for our children exactly how to problem solve, how to solve disputes, and even just how to apologize. That’s right – we apologize to our kids when we mess up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.

The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, treat everybody around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we desire, you would be amazed at what’s feasible.

Some readers might be curious about my other half, Antonio, as well as his two teen sons from a previous marriage. Gradually, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, and the restoration of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.

So just how can you come to be a positive parent? What Causes Sibling Rivalry

This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I’ve ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be challenging to change your old ways. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or 2 from now, you will not believe just how much you have actually transformed, together with the closer partnership you have with your kids.

I recommend anyone that is serious about growing to be a more positive mother or dad to look into Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. What Causes Sibling Rivalry

You have actually probably seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any type of variety of media networks. Her products have been life-changing for more than 75,000 moms and dads across the globe, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really use every day.

In her cost-free webinar, Amy shares exactly how to get kids of all ages to listen WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll aid you in starting parenting positive, as well as learn how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the complimentary class by clicking the button below. What Causes Sibling Rivalry


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