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When I initially came to be a mother, I knew that I intended to do things differently than how I was raised. My mom and dad did the best they could, but they really did not have access to the plethora of positive parenting tools readily available today. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
There were a couple of books on our shelf regarding handling power struggles, just how to deal with the stubborn child, and also how to get your kids to comply. I remember seeing these books around our home, and I distinctly remember thinking at the time, “My parents don’t understand me.”
I’m not sure exactly what they discovered in those books, but I grew up with a great deal of spanking, a lot of yelling, as well as a lot of just plain tempers raging.
It was a difficult period of time. And our connection is still strained today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their mistakes. I have actually begun to understand that, while no one is without flaws, it is our obligation to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I knew I wished to stop the cycle when I came to be a mama.What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
From toddlers to teenagers, positive parenting is my strategy What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
My very own experience with positive parenting began when my oldest daughter was born. I started reviewing blogs concerning how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is damaged with spanking, yelling, severe punishments and also virtually every other commonly approved parenting method.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, how in the world do you get obtain your kids to pay attention to you?” Little did I know there’s a whole toolbox of positive parenting tips that allow everybody to get their needs satisfied. I found out about:
• Handling power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• Just how all of these principles cause healthy and balanced child development What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
In the process, my other half Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique viewpoint. He had two teen boys from a previous marriage, and had actually seen firsthand how being the “mean dad” could appear to help temporarily. Yet long-term, it was only breeding disrespect, anger as well as bitterness in what was intended to be a caring parent-child connection.
Considering his history and also discovering exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was equally as open as I was to examining and also employing positive parenting in our lives.
So what does positive parenting mean anyway? What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
First, let me tell you what it does not mean. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Letting your kids do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Overlooking major misbehavior
• Offering your children every little thing they ask for What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Shielding your kids from what will certainly be expected of them in “the real world”
• Having no limitations
You might hear positive parenting called by various other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. Regardless of what you call it, this parenting method recognizes the reality that collaboration always yields far better lasting outcomes than forced control.
Moms and dads that adopt this concept have actually learned to foster:
• Shared respect
• Empathy (both in themselves and in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Building a child’s foundational character and morals
• Encouraging children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not since they fear punishment if they do not … After all, what happens when they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Acknowledgment that both children and also parents need to be heard as well as valued
• Assisting kids to establish self-discipline
• Going much deeper than mere outward compliance and focusing on the child’s heart
The funny thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I initially began down the path of gentle parenting, I could not visualize that there were various other means to “get a child to behave” besides punishing as well as screaming. That’s how I was treated as a child, and I obviously had no framework for anything different. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert and also owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has served as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them remove the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online training course.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep. It’s usually simpler (and also more typical in today’s world) to think children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
However we can progress a great deal further toward fixing power struggles when we see children as little humans. They real needs much like you as well as me. As well as often times their legitimate needs are magnified based on where they’re currently at on the brain as well as language development spectrum. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
For example, a young child’s pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that allows self-restraint) is not yet formed. That means they can go from joyful one minute to complete meltdown the next. Rather than dealing with a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can acknowledge that:
• Toddlers have little self-control to start with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that implies there is always a primary emotion under it
• A lot of upset children are really scared and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any kind of basic needs that need to be met first. For example, if a child is starving or tired, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to assist. Concentrate on meeting that huge need initially.
• Validate his feelings without approving of the actions (“I can see that you’re really angry due to the fact that I said we couldn’t go to the park today. I understand it’s tough because you really wish to play on the swings. Yet, hitting hurts, and I won’t allow you to do it”) … Then, move away to shield yourself if required.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T desire the child to do only makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he’s mad – like surround himself in a big hug and also say firmly “I’m mad!” Or ball his hands right into fists and growl. The goal is to enable him to express his sadness in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting any individual or anything.
Keep In Mind the Golden Rule
I told you earlier that positive parenting benefits all ages – from toddlers to ‘tweens, teens as well as everyone in between. So let’s use teens in our following example … What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That suggests what we desire to get from our child, we have to be ready to give. If I am rude, controlling as well as sarcastic to my teenager merely since I “have every right considering that I am the parent” or due to the fact that “my kid started it,” what do you believe that reveals to my child?
It is a lot easier to offer respect to somebody when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or father, you can set the example and communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, as well as you respect them as a person. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. But it does imply you can be kind when faced with conflict. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you expect to establish the stage for problem solving with each other toward a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we claim to believe. So, if we want our young adult to treat us with more regard, the very first step is to ensure that you, as the parent, are doing simply that to every person in your life. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
Are you gentle to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, and to the customer service representative on the phone? In every one of those scenarios, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you must be thinking of. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I could answer this with a resounding “Yes!” Or I can share a personal story …
Just the other day, my 2 young girls were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old how she felt, and also she claimed she was angry because my 6-year-old took a sticker label she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, escaped to the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned and returned the stolen sticker label, said sorry and also requested forgiveness.
They made up, embraced as well as begun playing again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not force or threaten anyone to fix the problem. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You recognize why? What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
Due to the fact that we have actually modeled for our children how to problem solve, how to settle conflict, and also even just how to ask forgiveness. That’s right – we ask forgiveness to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Ask forgiveness to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you realize your children will inevitably repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can swallow our pride, deal with every person around us with respect, as well as model the habits we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s feasible.
Some visitors could be wondering about my other half, Antonio, and his two teenage boys from a previous relationship. Gradually, Antonio has actually begun parenting positively also, as well as the restoration of their relationship is nothing except a miracle.
So exactly how can you evolve to be a positive parent? What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
This is the million-dollar question! Knowing positive parenting is one of the most satisfying things I’ve ever done. I won’t stretch the truth to you – it can be difficult to alter your old ways. Little by little, you will make improvements. And also a year or more from now, you won’t believe just how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I suggest anybody that is serious about becoming a much more positive mom or dad to check out Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting webinar. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
You’ve possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any variety of media channels. Her materials have actually been life-changing for more than 75,000 parents across the globe, as well as there’s no much better parenting guidance you can really use every day.
In her free class, Amy shares just how to get kids of any age to behave WITHOUT nagging or shouting. She’ll help you in starting parenting positive, as well as learn how to quit the power struggle before it begins! You can register for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. What To Do If Positive Discipline Is Not Working With Foster Children
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