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When I first became a mom, I recognized that I wished to do things in a different way than how I was parented. My mom and dad did the best they could, however they didn’t have accessibility to the wide variety of positive parenting tools offered today. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
There were a few books on our shelf about managing power struggles, exactly how to discipline the stubborn child, and also just how to get your kids to obey. I recall seeing these books around our home, and I definitely recall thinking at the time, “My mom and dad don’t understand me.”
I’m not exactly sure what exactly they learned in those books, but I experienced a lot of spanking, a great deal of screaming, and a great deal of just plain blowing up.
It was a tough number of years. And also our relationship is still not the best today, although I’ve truly forgiven them for their misjudgements. I’ve begun to understand that, while nobody is without fault, it is our duty to be the best parent we can possibly be for our children. I recognized I wanted to stop the cycle when I became a mama.When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
From toddlers to teens, positive parenting is my answer When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
My own experience with positive parenting started when my oldest child was born. I began reading blog posts concerning exactly how a child’s secure attachment to a parent is harmed by spanking, screaming, severe punishments and also basically every other commonly approved parenting technique.
I started to think, “Well, if you can not do those things, just how in the world do you get obtain your kids to behave?” Little did I understand there’s an entire toolbox of positive parenting tips that enable every person to have their needs satisfied. I learned about:
• Resolving power struggles
• Strong communication skills
• Natural consequences
• How all of these ideas result in healthy and balanced child development When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
In the process, my hubby Antonio joined my journey. He brought his own unique point of view. He had two teen boys from a previous relationship, and had seen firsthand exactly how being the “mean dad” might seem to work temporarily. Long-term, it was just breeding disrespect, anger as well as resentment in what was intended to be a loving parent-child partnership.
Considering his background and discovering exactly what NOT to do, Antonio was just as open as I was to examining and implementing positive parenting in our lives.
What does positive parenting mean anyway? When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
Let me tell you what it does not indicate. Positive parenting is NOT:
• Allowing your kids to do whatever they want
• Being a lazy parent
• Ignoring major misbehavior
• Providing your children every little thing they want When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
• Being a servant on-call 24/7
• Sheltering your kids from what will be required of them in “the real world”
• Having no limitations
You might hear positive parenting called by other names like peaceful parenting, gentle parenting, respectful parenting or connection parenting. No matter what you call it, this parenting technique recognizes the truth that cooperation always produces far better lasting results than strict control.
Parents that embrace this concept have figured out how to promote:
• Mutual respect
• Empathy (both in themselves as well as in their children)
• Establishing healthy limits
• Developing a child’s foundational character traits
• Helping children to do what’s right since they WANT to, not because they fear punishment if they don’t … Besides, what takes place when they’re adults and also the threat of punishment is over?
• Recommendation that both children and parents need to be heard and valued
• Assisting kids to establish self-control
• Going deeper than simple external conformity as well as focusing on the child’s heart
The amusing thing is, when you really dig in to the heart issues, all the surface-level “obedience” stuff resolves itself.
What are some positive parenting techniques? And how do you correct a child’s bad behavior with positive parenting?
When I first started down the road of gentle parenting, I could not picture that there were various other ways to “get a child to behave” besides harsh punishments and also shouting. That’s exactly how I was raised, and therefore I simply had no framework for anything different. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
I’ll share some parenting strategies I gained from Amy McCready, a well-known parenting expert as well as owner of Positive Parenting Solutions. Amy has actually acted as parenting guide to thousands of moms and dads, helping them eliminate the power struggle of reactionary parenting via her 7-Step Parenting Success System online course.
Right here are a couple of the methods Amy reveals to encourage you to evolve into the mother or dad you have actually always wished to be, as well as assist your child to reach his or her full potential.
Find the root of the behavior
I told you this is deep. It’s usually easier (as well as much more common in today’s world) to assume children are just spoiled brats, which is why they act out.
But we can progress a whole lot farther toward resolving power struggles when we see children as little human beings. They have needs similar to you as well as me. And also frequently their legitimate needs are multiplied based on where they’re currently at on the brain and also language development growth spectrum. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
A toddler’s pre-frontal cortex (the component of the brain that allows self-control) is not yet matured. That suggests they can go from delighted one moment to major tantrum the next. Rather than fighting a losing fight by ordering a 2-year-old to time-out for hitting you on the arm, you can recognize that:
• Young children have little self-restraint to begin with
• Anger is a secondary emotion – that indicates there is typically a key emotion below it
• Many mad children are actually anxious and/or sad
What’s a peaceful parent to do?
• Determine if there are any fundamental needs that must be addressed first. As an example, if a child is hungry or exhausted, there’s no amount of peaceful OR punitive parenting that is likely to help. Concentrate on meeting that large need first.
• Empathize with his emotions without accepting the behavior (“I can see that you’re really angry because I said we could not play at the park today. I understand it’s hard due to the fact that you genuinely wish to play on the swings. But, hitting hurts, and also I won’t allow you to do it”) … After that, move away to protect yourself if necessary.
• Concentrating too much on what you DON’T want the child to do just makes the situation even worse. So redirect the behavior towards something he MAY DO to let off steam when he is furious – like surround himself in a huge hug and also say “I’m mad!” Or tighten his hands right into clenched fists and growl. The point is to permit him to share his anger in an age-appropriate way, while not hurting anyone or anything.
Bear In Mind the Golden Rule
I informed you previously that positive parenting benefits any age – from young children to ‘tweens, teens as well as everything in between. So let’s talk about teenagers in our following scenario … When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
Respectful parenting goes both ways. That implies what we desire to get from our child, we have to be willing to give. If I am disrespectful, controlling as well as sarcastic to my young adult simply because I “have every right given that I am the parent” or since “my kid started it,” what do you think that reveals to my child?
It is much easier to provide respect to a person when they are respecting and valuing you. As the mommy or father, you can set the standard and communicate to your young adult that you value their opinion, and you value them as an individual. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
This doesn’t suggest you need to be a pushover. It does mean you can be kind in the face of problems. It will certainly accomplish a lot more than you realize to establish the stage for problem solving together towards a resolution.
In a comparable way, children learn a million times more from what we do than from what we say. So, if we desire our young adult to treat us with even more respect, the first step is to make sure that you, as the parent, are doing just that to everyone in your life. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
Are you kind to your partner, to your brother or sisters, to all your children, as well as to the customer support associate on the phone? In every one of those circumstances, you have a VIP audience of one (your child!) that you need to be thinking about. Bear in mind, the apple will not fall far from the tree.
Is positive parenting really effective?
I can address this with a definite “Yes!” Or I could share an individual story …
Just the other day, my 2 daughters were having a spat. I asked my 3-year-old exactly how she felt, as well as she claimed she was angry due to the fact that my 6-year-old took a sticker she was having fun with.
My 6-year-old heard this, went into the other room to gather her thoughts, after that returned as well as returned the swiped sticker label, said sorry and also asked for forgiveness.
They made up, hugged as well as started playing once again happily. Yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. No, I did not control or threaten anyone to resolve the problem. And yet we experienced a pretty nice resolution. You know why? When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
Because we have modeled for our children just how to problem solve, how to fix disputes, and even exactly how to say sorry. That’s right – we say sorry to our kids when we screw up. (Gasp! Say sorry to children, oh the horror.) That investment is returned a thousand-fold when you understand your children will certainly repeat your actions.
The bottom line is … When we can humble ourselves, treat everyone around us with respect, as well as model the behavior we want, you would certainly be astonished at what’s possible.
Some readers might be curious about my partner, Antonio, and his two adolescent boys from a previous marriage. With time, Antonio has begun parenting positively as well, and the repair of their connection is nothing short of miraculous.
Exactly how can you come to be a positive parent? When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
This is the million-dollar question! Understanding positive parenting is among the most satisfying things I’ve ever before done. I won’t lie to you – it can be tough to transform your old way of life. Little by little, you will certainly make improvements. And a year or two from now, you will not think how much you’ve transformed, together with the closer relationship you have with your kids.
I advise any person who is serious about becoming an extra positive mama or father to have a look at Amy McCready’s Positive Parenting Solutions FREE parenting class. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
You have actually possibly seen Amy on ABC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, Today Show, Rachel Ray or any number of media networks. Her products have been life-altering for greater than 75,000 moms and dads around the world, as well as there’s no better parenting guidance you can really apply every day.
In her totally free class, Amy shares exactly how to help kids of all ages to behave WITHOUT manipulating or shouting. She’ll assist you in beginning parenting positive, and discover how to stop the power struggle before it begins! You can sign up for the totally free webinar by clicking the button below. When Positive Parenting Doesn’t Work
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